Chapter 2

Sorry it's taken so long for Chapter 2......what can I say except "Here it is!".

The "telling" moment occurred in early October '08 at Eva's birthday/costume/Halloween party. Eva is Jose's niece, whom I was very fond of and still am. Jose had a few weeks earlier surprised me with the news that Barbara and the kids would be going with us to the party. Soon as I heard that, I was no longer interested in going, but of course I had no choice but to go. It was Eva birthday and she would be hurt if I didn't go and Jose would be mad at me as well. So I went......and had a mostly miserable time. I wore a Batman costume, which was extremely hot, sweaty, and I was uncomfortable the whole night. On top of that, Jose and Barbara both ignored me the whole night, as if I wasn't sitting right there with them! Jose was also busy playing "daddy" to the kids and I simply couldn't wait for this night to end. It was TORTURE! As the evening wore on, I swore to myself that I would NEVER put myself through this agony ever again. Barbara could have him! She had finally won! I was done with it all.

It was that night that I decided my relationship with Jose was over. I was still scared about how I was going to survive without him and I continued to mull things over for a couple more weeks. But I realized that I was completely unhappy and miserable in this relationship and I needed to change my life and be happy again, even if it meant being alone.

It happened on October 23, 2008, a Thursday night. Jose and I had gotten home from work at the same time, an extremely rare occurrence. Jose always worked late, in my opinion as a way to avoid coming home and being with me. We had been very uncommunicative since the party, especially during the current week. He informed me that we were going to Eva's house for dinner. I really didn't feel up to socializing that night, but Eva's house was 2 minutes walking distance away and I loved seeing and playing with her kids. I don't know what took hold of me in that moment, but I stood in the bedroom, looking at Jose lying on the bed watching tv. I stared at him for a full 5 minutes, just staring. In that time, he never once looked at me. It was like I was invisible. Something inside of me said DO IT NOW. So I did......I said "Do you want to breakup?" He just looked at me and said "You really want to do this now?"

So for the next 20 minutes I told him how we had agreed to work on our relationship that past summer and that he hadn't done shit to work on it. He accused me of the same thing and I told him that I didn't see any point in continuing on this way. All that he cared about was Barbara and the kids and he didn't give a shit about me anymore. He stated that it wasn't true and that he could say the same about me. Whatever......I was done for real this time. No more "let's give it another try" or "we'll work on things". Fuck that! I was done "working" on this dead relationship. I wasn't going to waste anymore of my life on this man who made a "promise" to me and was not living up to it.

We walked over to Eva's house in silence and put on our happy faces. We didn't tell anyone what had just happened and pretended that everything was normal. When we got back home, he asked me if I still felt the same way. I said that I did and unfortunately, I did not see any way around it this time. We both slowly came to the realization that it was really over this time and there was no going back. There was no crying.....no hostile feelings.....just the slow realization that it was for real this time. I felt a sense of peace and a sense of calmness come over me. Before, I had felt terror at the thought of being alone. No more.....I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of me. I was a free man again. The shackles had been unlocked and the chains binding me to Jose had been severed. I sat in the living room alone, realizing that I was a single man again. AND I WAS HAPPY ABOUT IT. I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I'd done it before I'd met him and I could do it again. I didn't need Jose to take care of me. I could take care of myself......somehow, I would do it. I could do it!!

Chapter 3 to follow............

Changes

How time flies........Has it really been almost 2 years since I last blogged?! December of '07......it was a time of realizations and trying to come to terms with my reality. The wheels were set in motion around the time of my last blog, but it still took me awhile to make the necessary "changes". It hit me as I was putting up the Christmas tree, alone, for the first time in 7 years. Putting up the tree had always been a project that Jose and I did together.......it was a tradition. I think the year before, in '06, he only put on the lights and made me do the decorating, but at least he participated. This time he didn't even do that.......he was with Barbara instead. It was a rainy December saturday and I stood in the living room, decorating the tree all alone and I said to myself, "Why am I even in a relationship if I'm going to do this kind of stuff alone?" Another thought occurred to me: I will NOT be doing this next year. At that exact moment, I "knew" I would not be in that house with him next Christmas. It was almost a "pyschic" moment. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back now, I see it.

As time went on and 2008 began, I did not have an agenda to leave Jose. Quite the opposite. I always wanted to work things out with him, always wanted our relationship to be a good one. This, in spite of the terrible way he treated me: putting me down, making me feel stupid, treating me like I was a 5 year old, always trying to elevate his own ego at my expense. Part of it was his own lack of self-esteem, but it was also because he harbored great resentment towards me. I was never the kind of "relationship" person he wanted and when he realized that he couldn't "change" me, he gave up and withdrew out of our relationship. The Christmas tree was symbolic: he'd rather be with his girlfriend Barbara than decorating the tree with me. That day I saw the "end" of things and yet I still denied it was happening for almost another year.

Things continued to deteriorate between us in January '08 when I asked him if he would put me on the title to his house. I was paying for half of his mortgage, paying half of all the home improvement projects and I decided that if we were going to stay together, I needed to be a property owner with him. For reasons I don't care to go into, we could not purchase a property together, so the only option was to put me on his title. He flat out refused and accused me of trying to steal half his house from him. I told him that I would go buy my own house then. I didn't, of course, but it gnawed away at me like a cancer. He told me that if I was so sure that we were staying together forever, why did I need to own part of his house? He just didn't "get it" or didn't want to "get it". He had no sympathy for my plight.

By the summer of '08 I was seriously looking at houses in our neighborhood. I didn't know what I would do with a house if I bought one. Would I move out and leave him? Would I rent it out to someone I knew? I wasn't sure.......things were not good between us and I sat him down for "the talk". Neither of our hearts were into trying to make this work, so we agreed that we should end it. That was that......and I started to panic, wondering what I was going to do and where was I going to live? This was really happening........he said I could stay there as long as I needed to, which made me feel good. Later that evening he was looking pathetic and sad and I asked him what was wrong. He said he couldn't believe that after all we'd done and been through together, it was now coming to an end. I said that maybe we were being hasty in our decision to end it and we could think about it for awhile before making the final decision. Stupidly, we kind of half-heartedly agreed to work on things, but nothing ever came of it. Neither one of us really made any effort at all to work on things and life continued on as it had for the last few years.

But it was not for long.........the final moments of our 8 and a half year relationship were about to be played out, unbeknownst to both of us. This was such a confusing time for me. I didn't want my relationship to end and yet, I was COMPLETELY miserable in it. I wanted things to be the way they were years before, but I somehow knew that it was never going to be like that again. As hard as we'd tried in the past, we could not get back to that "happy" place of yesterday. Once it's gone, it's GONE and that's a hard thing to accept, especially for me. I fight to the end and sink with the ship. Our ship was about to sink, as another "telling" moment happened to open my eyes to the fact that I had "lost" Jose for good. He had moved on emotionally and was simply going through the motions, much as I was. I still loved him, but I realized: Love is not enough. Stay tuned for Chapter 2..........

Updates..........

I decided to change the name of my blog (again!), mostly because I am still worried that Jose might track it down one day. It wouldn't have been hard for him to find (for all I know, he already did), so I have now made it about impossible for him to track me down. It seems like kind of a stupid name, but I needed something quick in order to rename it from Nettwolff. So until I think up something better, this is it! I hardly ever write in this blog anyway, so what does it matter? So I should update things and situations......:

Jose and I are still together.....everything is status quo. We still don't have sex, though I complain about it often. I complain about it mostly to give him a hard time.....I'm not dying to have sex with him or anything. I do miss having sex, in general. I sometimes wonder if I could get away with cheating on him. If I had the opportunity and the guy was hot, I might consider trying it. I have decided that living together is bad for your sex life. You find out too much about a person when you live with them and it kills sexual desire. Maybe it is normal to get bored with the same person, I just don't know anymore. But I have a feeling that if Jose and I stopped living together, we would start having sex again. I've even thought about moving out and seeing if that doesn't jump start things, but I know Jose would never go for it. He would break it off with me if I moved out. It's just an idea I've been toying with, but I think I would be terribly lonely living on my own. So I probably won't do it.......

Barbara is still alive......everything status quo. I was thinking the other day that things might actually be worse if Barbara were to die. I might end up with a kid or kids living in my house and I don't know if I could handle that. I might be better off to pray for her health instead of her death! I still hate her as much as ever. Yesterday was her birthday. I thought about calling her and wishing her a happy birthday (she does that on my birthday), but I decided it would be hypocritical. I think she only calls me to look good in Jose's eyes anyway. She could care less if I live or die or have a happy birthday. So, I could not bring myself to call her. I hope she had a happy day though.......

Jose and I recently returned from Orlando, Florida. It was mostly a business trip for Jose, but we did do some of the Disney World theme parks. It was a relaxing time for me......it's always nice to get away from home and not worry about your job, etc....

I doubt that I will start blogging again on a regular basis. I am just not into it right now. Maybe I never will be again. Any readers of this (there are few to none) will have to be satisfied with occasional updates. Arrive` derche`!

Stevie Nicks Concert

Back in May or June, I found out that Stevie Nicks was coming to Phoenix for a concert. Now, I love her probably more than any other artist, so naturally I was extremely excited to go see the show. I go way back with Stevie and Fleetwood Mac and first discovered them with the Rumors album (didn't we all?). I still have the original LP of Rumors and actually have a working turntable to play it on (I still drag out the records on Wednesdays and play them). Of course I now have most of Fleetwood Mac on CD's, but I could play the records if I wanted to. So I have followed the musical careers of Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks, Lindsey Buckingham, and even Christine McVie ever since. I have all Fleetwood Mac music with Stevie and Lindsey (as well as some pre-Stevie/Lindsey), all Stevie Nicks solo work, and all Lindsey Buckingham solo too. Fleetwood Mac is my favorite group and Stevie is my favorite artist. So I was very excited to once again go and see Stevie in concert.

This wasn't my first Stevie Nicks concert. I first saw her solo in 1989 when she actually came to Tucson at the TCC (she has not returned since). I then saw her in 2000 in Phoenix with her "friends" Sheryl Crow, Lindsey Buckingham, and Chris Isaak (Jose and Pudge went with me). Jose and I saw her again in 2005 at the Dodge Theater in Phoenix, where she played again this past Saturday nite. I also had the opportunity to see Fleetwood Mac for the first time in 2003 in Phoenix at America West Arena. Clearly I love these artists and relish the chance to see them anytime I can.

I purchased tickets way in advance and told Jose that he would have to go with me, as I couldn't find anyone else to go with me. A lot of my friends are younger than me and go Stevie who? Or Fleetwood who? Infants!! All of them!! I didn't bother to ask most of them and the old farts that I did ask said no. So Jose has to go by default because he's my husband (he hates Stevie Nicks, by the way). And even though I have forced him to go to see her many times in the past, it is his duty to go with me if I can't find anyone else. That is the price one must pay for being in a relationship. You have to do a lot of things you don't want or ordinarily wouldn't do. Deal with it. And Jose is very good about doing that.

Well, he hadn't been feeling too good on Saturday, but never said he didn't want to go. We also had a shitload of rain that day and I felt a strange feeling that something was going to go wrong with this whole event. I half thought we might not make it to Phoenix if the roads were flooded, but I was determined to try. We did hit a bad spot of rain on the way and shortly after that Jose told me to pull over because he was going to throw up. So I did and he hung his head out the door for awhile, but never threw up. I asked him if I should turn around and go home and he said no. He continued to feel sick and he decided that we should get a hotel room for the night (we hadn't planned on staying overnight). He would try to throw up there and then go to the concert. Well, he never did throw up, but it became clear to me that I couldn't make him go to the concert. Which then meant that I would have to go by myself !! I am not one to go places by myself except for shopping. I don't go to movies or restaurants by myself. It makes me feel very self-conscious. So here I am, now faced with the prospect of going to this concert alone. I honestly thought Jose would make himself go, but when I selflessly told him he didn't have to, he took me up on it! Fear gripped my mind as I realized I would either have to go alone to this concert or stay with Jose in the hotel room and miss the concert. I couldn't miss the concert! We're talking Stevie Nicks here! I had been looking forward to this for months! Missing the concert was not an option, so my mind slowly realized that I would have to make the trek to the Dodge Theater alone. I could do this, I told myself. It wouldn't be much fun to go alone and people would think I was a loser for not having any friends, but who cares? I was not going to miss Stevie for anything! When it came down to the wire, Jose was insisting that I couldn't go alone and that he would go with me. But I said no! How could I have enjoyed the concert knowing that Jose felt like shit and didn't want to be there? I decided that my best option was to actually go alone, as much as I didn't want to. I could have made Jose suffer for the expense of my happiness (and I thought about it), but I decided this might be good for me to go alone. I rely too much on Jose for security and support.

So I got into my car and hopped onto I-10 toward downtown Phoenix. I know my way around downtown pretty good, as we've been there many times. I knew that I could find the theater with no problem and as I started driving away from the hotel, I realized that I could do this! It would be a bit uncomfortable (I stepped one million miles outside of my comfort zone that night), but the alternative was to miss Stevie and that was not an option. Jose pleaded with me to stay with him and miss the concert (I don't know if he was serious or not). And I felt a twinge of guilt and selfishness for not staying with him, but we're talking Stevie Nicks here! He knows that I am obsessed with her and I knew he would understand.

I got to the concert and bought myself a beer. I knew that might help me to relax and perhaps not obsess on the fact that I was at this concert alone. I called Jose a couple of times on my cell phone (mostly for the benefit of people sitting around me). See, I'm not a loser! I know people and I'm calling them right now! After awhile I realized how ridiculous I was being and put my cell phone away. Okay, people, Steven Beebe is here at the concert alone. Go ahead and laugh and make fun of me and then let's get on with the show! By now the beer was helping me to relax some also (ultimately it ended up giving me a headache). I did still feel self-conscious for most of the evening, but it didn't overwhelm me and I did enjoy the concert. Unfortunately, this girl, who was also by herself, decided I needed some company, and wrecked part of the show for me. She kept trying to engage me in conversation (I ignored her as much as I could without being rude), but she wouldn't give up. She was drinking a huge beer and I could tell it wasn't her first one! She kept on and on and I wanted to push her into the aisle and say get the fuck away from me, you stupid cunt! I am gay! I don't want you! Now that I think about it, she did ruin the second half of the concert for me, but it's my fault for not telling her to get lost. Another lesson I was supposed to learn that night.......Bottom line: I faced my fear of going somewhere alone and even had a good time for part of the evening. I think I started to enjoy being there alone. I could focus solely on my Stevie and immerse myself in her performance. I didn't have to worry if Jose was having a good time, if he was feeling sick, or listen to him put Stevie down. Then God decided I was enjoying myself too much and sent that bitch over! I'm sure she was a very nice person, but she was drinking a lot, dancing around, and being loud. Not my style at all! For some strange reason, I attract people like that. They are drawn to me, probably because they sense I am safe and non-threatening. And they are the opposite of me. They attract attention to themselves and I shrink from it: no attention, please! It was quite a night and quite an experience. The concert was FABULOUS!, with a capital F! Rock on, Gold Dust Woman! I hope to go to many Stevie concerts in heaven because it is a heavenly experience.

Birthday Blow-Out

I have been planning a huge birthday party for Jose. He turns 40 next month. He let me know earlier this year that he wanted a party for his birthday, but little did I know that it would turn into the huge affair that it is becoming. I figured that we would have a little party here at our house, with perhaps 40 or so people. Now the amount of people has doubled (impossible for our small house) and I have rented a hall to have the party at. I have also hired a DJ and a security guard (the hall insists on security to obtain the beer permit). It's a City of Tucson thing. The food will be catered (Mexican) and the theme is (what else?) Fiesta! It's going to be a lot of fun, but my budget certainly wasn't figuring on all of these expenses. Mind you, I am not poor and I make good money. But I recently bought a new car and my finances have been suffering because of it. I used to be able to save a significant amount of money each month that would go into my CD account, but the car payment has eliminated that. I haven't been able to save anything at all (this is one of my biggest fears, not having enough money to retire on). I love my new car and I would not give it up for anything, but not being able to save money really sucks! Between the car payment, our home improvement loan, and now this birthday party, I feel like I am drowning in debt (maybe because I am!). I never intended on paying for a hall or a DJ. Those are expensive things! Don't get me wrong......Jose is worth spending that kind of money on, but the way that he just expected it of me didn't sit well. I would never expect or ask anyone to spend that kind of money on me. To me it's kind of wasteful, to spend this much money on a party, but then I am a cheap and frugal person. Jose is only cheap when it comes to me. We could have just as much fun at a $500 party, versus a $1500 party. It would not cheapen the celebration in my opinion, but I know Jose puts MAJOR emphasis on how much money a person will spend on him. He guages a person's love for him based on that fact. I'm sure the party will be a smashing success and I will look back later at the amount I spent and think nothing of it. But at this very moment, my pocketbook is screaming in agony!! It's also EMPTY!!

Sheeba has been doing fine since her seizures a few weeks back. She actually had a third seizure not long after my last post, but it was a very minor one compared to the two previous. I have not seen her have one since then. It's so awful to watch her have the seizure......it's like the cat you know and love disappears and is replaced with a non-responsive cat. It's like she goes into a fog and can't find her way out. It's heartbreaking and scary. I hope she does not have another. Maya has finally accepted Sheeba back into her life and stopped hissing and swatting. They are old friends again, chasing each other through the house.

Happy Post 4th of July!

4th of July came and went without a bang. We didn't do anything, didn't even leave the house all day. I got up on the roof to watch the fireworks at A mountain, but it was so fricking hot out (even at 9 o'clock at night) that I only stayed up there for a few minutes. I think it was 110 yesterday and I think that's awful. I hate the hot weather. The monsoon needs to come now.

Sheeba, our 4 yr old black cat, had two seizures on Sunday. We took her to the vet and they did blood work and took an xray. They found nothing wrong with her. She has been fine ever since. It freaked me out to see her in that condition. About two months ago she was playing around and fell about 5 feet. I noticed a bump on her chest, which I figured to be a bone because it was hard. Sure enough, her sternum is deviated because of the fall. She hit something hard. That's not why she had seizures, but I'm sure they are related to that fall. Too coincidental. She is such a loving cat, I would be lost without her. Our other cat, Maya, thinks we brought home a strange cat. She has been hissing at her constantly and even swatted at her. This happens every time we take Sheeba to the vet. She must have a strange scent on her that Maya doesn't recognize. The vet did say that the seizures could be related to feline luekemia and it just so happens, Maya tested positive for it about 4 years ago. It was right when Sheeba was a kitten and we had just gotten her. I'm think we had her vaccinated for it back then, but I can't be sure. Maya is 5 yrs old and except for ocassionally vomiting, she is never really sick. Back then, the vet told us to put her down. I'm sure glad I thought otherwise. No doubt her lifespan may be shortened, but it's now 5 years and she's in pretty good shape.

I am off the rest of this week. Jose took Monday and Tuesday off.....we made sure not to coordinate our days off together. He claims he thought I was taking those same days, but I think he was lying. It's okay though.....we already have every weekend off together and that is enough. Anymore time together and someone might wind up dead! So, margaritas are on tap for today!! I have started to drink a lot, almost everyday lately. I only have margaritas on Wednesday mostly, but every night after work I've had either a couple of beers or wine or my new favorite, Smirnoff coolers. I keep waiting for Jose to say something about it, but he hasn't. In fact, he's taken to drinking the Smirnoffs too! Granted he only has one, but still.......I hope I'm not on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I always tell myself that I can live without it, but I generally don't choose to go without. I guess it's no different than when I used to smoke pot everyday or smoke cigarettes. It's just a daily habit. Instead of polluting my lungs, I'm polluting my liver! It makes life bearable!

Summer Begins.......

Six months have vanished since my last post......where did the time go? I used to be such a faithful writer, but then I got worried that Jose was reading this blog. And that he would use it against me somehow.....plus I couldn't be honest in my thoughts if I thought he was reading it. So why bother writing......I don't know if he was reading it (I'm now thinking he wasn't). He has never said anything about it and I said some pretty serious and harsh words. I've now decided that it doesn't matter anymore......this is a record for me and my life. I enjoyed reading my last post in December '06 and seeing that I thought I was depressed then. Jose has been saying the same thing of me a lot lately.

As you have probably figured out by now, Jose and I are still together. We made it through the cruise intact and even had a pretty good time. No sex though.....I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been months. Neither of us are interested in having sex with the other and it's been like that for some time. That part of our life together is DEAD! He doesn't seem to care, so why should I? I think the other night we just agreed to have an open relationship and no limits were put on what we could do. I'm still not sure if he was serious, but I think he was. My friends have said it's a bad idea and when we were in counseling a few years back, the counseler told us it was a bad idea also. So then what.....we will never have sex again until the day we die? I'm not sure I even want to go have sex with anyone else right now, but it's nice to know that if the situation should ever present itself, I don't necessarily have to say no. I already suspect that Jose has been unfaithful in the past and truthfully, I don't even care if he has. I'm not giving him sex, so he may as well get it somewhere else. Part of me thinks that this is just one more step towards the end of the line with us, but I know of other long-term couples who do the same thing (open relationship) and it seems to work for them. So I'm willing to give it a try......

As for my truck issue, I had thought it was solved in my last post. Well, it was not! I started having the same problem again right after I posted that. It wouldn't start. Nobody could figure out what was wrong with it. I did my own sleuthing on the internet and all signs pointed to a bad starter. But the original garage that worked on my truck said the starter was fine and even gave me a print-out showing it was working. I took it to Toyota and they kept it for a week or more and it started like a dream for them everytime. Fucking autos always behave properly when you go to the mechanic!! They honestly thought I was crazy! And then, FINALLY, it didn't start for them one day. It was the fucking starter, just like I said!! Between that and all the general maintenance it needed, I sunk a thousand dollars into it, but it was money well spent. But prior to all of this, I ended up buying a new car! Jose has been on me for years to buy a new car (my truck is a '93, but in excellent shape), so I took this opportunity to do so. Partly because I didn't know how I was going to get my truck fixed and I needed to get to work everyday and partly because of his pressure. I had intended to get a new car at some point this year anyway.....my truck issue just forced me to do it a little earlier. So a few days after last Christmas, I went out and bought a 2007 Toyota RAV4. I had never intended on getting an SUV, but it was highly rated and I liked the look of it. I test drove it and it was a smooth ride and the V6 is extremely fast (a big selling point for me). I didn't get all the features I wanted.....that would have meant having it built and waiting for possibly a few months to get it. I needed it right away and so I saved a few thousand by getting the base model (I didn't need all that extra crap anyway). It would have made the car too expensive for me to buy anyway. I do wish I had the upgraded stereo.....the stock one is pretty pathetic in sound quality. I mean, it's alright, but........I decided to keep my truck, so I have two vehicles now. There's no way I could part with it......it's not worth much money and yet it's in excellent shape. My practical side told me to sell the RAV4.....I don't really need it now, but it's so much fun to drive and Jose would kill me if I sold it.

Well, I can't promise that I will now start posting on a regular basis. This may be the only update for six more months. In the prior six months I had often thought about posting, but that's as far as it got. Plus there is not a lot going on in my life......I get up, go to work, come home, sit in front of the TV, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day. That is my life right now. Wednesdays I still crank the stereo and drink margaritas and I look forward to that day more than any other (today is Wednesday!!). Weekend after next, Jose is taking Barbara and her family to Rocky Point. I'm looking forward to the time alone, but then it seems everytime this happens, I end up missing him and being miserable all weekend. That weekend is Gay West (the first one in a few years). Friends at work want me to go with them, but I don't know if I want to. Not because Jose won't be going......I just really don't socialize these days. I go to the ocassional lunch with friends just to maintain the relationships, but other than that I don't go out at all. I'm not a big go-out person. I really am more of a homebody than I ever thought. I used to love going out......a lot......I guess I've changed. I think if I were single, I would want to go out more. Maybe it's my depression :-0

Am I depressed? Jose is convinced that I am. He should know. After all, he takes medication for the problem. I think if I am depressed, it's because of our relationship and lack of intimacy. And I don't just mean sex.....we have no emotional intimacy either. We are basically roommates that share a bed. We don't even spend time together or do any activities. We used to at least go to the movies every weekend, but we don't do that anymore. I don't know how our relationship got to this point and I don't know how to fix it either. We've already done the counseling routine. I'm not interested in going back there. It didn't help us the first time. I guess I've just decided that it's not fixable, so why bother putting out the effort. Because it does take a lot of effort, more effort than I can muster, frankly. Yet Jose doesn't seem interested in breaking up. Quite the contrary! Go figure.......

NUMB

I warned y' all I might not be back for awhile.......and it panned out. What can I say? This is not really a good time in my life right now. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel excited about life in the slightest, which is not like me at all. I think I am lacking joy and hope, everything that Christmas represents. Must be why I have no Christmas spirit.....zilch, nada. At this point, it could come and go without me noticing and I would be fine with it. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I am bummed that I am not feeling it this year. Maybe as the day gets nearer......I cannot motivate myself to go Christmas shopping or put up any decorations. I hear the Christmas music on the radio and I am numb to the feeling of it. NUMB! That is a good word to describe my condition right now. Funny thing is I am not really unhappy......I am just existing in a bland state. The only time I do feel any happiness is when I play my stereo and drink margaritas......and I am alone. I don't even want to socialize at all. I just want to be left alone. I don't exercise anymore and I have gained 15 pounds, at least. I think I must be depressed. And the cruise is looming, just a few months ahead, I must lose the weight by then. Jose is no help.....I feel helpless.

At least my truck is running good. I was having trouble starting it and the mechanic claimed there was nothing wrong with it, except the battery. It was causing me anxiety everytime I would start my truck, praying the motor would turnover and get me to work. Turns out the connections to the battery were not as tight as they could be (I think I bought a new battery for nothing). I hate shit like that, wasting money for no reason.

I am off from work every Wednesday now......I started doing 10 hour shifts. I LIVE for Wednesdays. I get to be alone the whole day, doing whatever I want. More and more I think I need to move out and go live by myself. It seems to be what I crave, being alone. Jose doesn't make me happy anymore. He only cares about Barbara and Laura. He only pretends to care about me. He pays lip service to it, but actions speak louder than words. After the cruise, I have some heavy-duty decisions to make. We've already made a comittment to this cruise.....I feel obligated to go through with it. Something major needs to happen between now and then, but I know nothing will. I am on the Titanic and it is slowing sinking.....................I will float and paddle into shore and get onto dry land. I will......I know I will.......I may write more tomorrow, as there is more I want to cover, but it is late and I'm tired. Sweet dreams.

M.I.A

Bet you've all been wondering where I've been, huh? Admit it! You've missed me and my tirades!! I know you have! No, I didn't fall (get pushed) overboard on my cruise ship and end up on a deserted, tropical island (I haven't gone on my cruise yet). Nor was I kidnapped by Islamic terrorists while working overseas on covert, government operations. I was not in the hospital with double pneumonia or locked up in the sanitorium for murdering Barbara (though that is a good guess for those who suspected that). Sadly, I have been right here the whole time, plodding through my life as best as I can. As you get to know me, you will see that I lose interest in things and then later on I will discover them again and get interested. So here I am!! I can't promise you that I will be here for long though, so if I disappear again, don't take it personally. It is nothing against you, my reader (is there more than one?). I just don't know how long I will stay interested. This could be my one and only post.

Before, when I was writing pretty regularly, I was having to do it on the sly. It was kind of exciting at first, but then it just became a drag because sometimes I would sit here and write for a couple of hours and that's hard to do on the sly. If Jose knew that I was writing on a regular basis, he would surely want to read it and that would cause a multitude of problems between us. Just the fact that I said one cross word about Barbara would be all it would take for us to be in divorce court (theoretically speaking). We are gay, people! So I would have to write secretly so that he would think I had given up on this blog. To this day he has never asked about it again. Maybe he found my blog after all and has been reading it all this time, who knows. So I just kind of lost interest in doing this, plus there is nothing that exciting going on in my life anyway. People, you haven't missed anything! But I am back with an update!

Let's gossip!! I have suspected Jose of cheating lately! I am almost convinced that he is....I have been with cheaters in the past and I recognize the behaviors. He works late almost every night and when I question him about things, he tends to be evasive (or at least not forthcoming). I have confronted him on a couple of ocassions and told him I thought he was cheating. He swears that he isn't and that he really is just working late (and that may be the truth, as I don't think he is the type to cheat). We've been together almost 7 years.....I know him pretty well. So why don't I believe him! I can't shake this feeling that he is cheating! It's not like he's drop-dead gorgeous or anything and he doesn't have a good body. Physically, he's not something that men are going to be beating down the door to get at (only Barbara does that). But his M.O. is suspect. When he says he's going to go visit Barbara and Laura and work late, something just doesn't seem right. Plus he's been acting guilty and letting me get away with WAY more drinking than he ever did in the past (to me that's a sign of guilt). I have no proof and I don't plan to go follow him (I won't stoop to that). But I have serious trust issues with him at the moment and if I find out that he IS cheating, we are finished. I have given him several opportunities to come clean, but for him to continue lying to me, I cannot forgive. I can never trust a liar. As it is I feel like he is cheating on me with Barbara and Laura.....and I don't know how much longer I can put up with that situation. I have had some very ugly thoughts of late where Barbara is concerned. I hope I don't end up in hell because of them.

Here's a story for you to shed some light on my hatred of Barbara: We all went to Jose's nephew's wedding in Nogales, AZ. It was a Catholic ceremony and all in Spanish (Jose is Mexican and I am white). Towards the end of the ceremony or Mass, the priest tells you to turn to your neighbor and those around and wish them peace and shake hands. I was next to Jose and Barbara was on the other side of him (not far away). I put out my hand to her (like the good Christian person I am) and she completely dissed me! She would not shake my hand! She shook everyone else's hand around her, but refused to shake mine. I held out my hand for at least 30 seconds and she blew me off. God forgive me, but I sat in that church and wished some evil things on her! I won't tell you what evil things I wished (they are too wicked to repeat), but use your imagination! Just another example of how I try to put my bitterness aside and be nice to her and she acts like a fucking bitch to me. She can go to hell for all I care (sorry Jose). Why must I bear this Barbara cross?! I finally find someone to be in a long-term relationship with and it comes with this shitty baggage!

Jose was in Las Vegas earlier this week for a seminar. It gave me some time alone to contemplate my life and my relationship and it's effects on me. I've realized I might need to make some bold choices in the coming year. 7 years may be as far as Jose and I go without some drastic changes in our relationship. It's gotten to the point where if Jose isn't at work, then he's with Barbara or in his bedroom watching TV. We hardly even interact anymore. We don't do anything as a couple, except for the ocassional shopping trip. It is like we are just roommates, only we sleep in the same bed. I am as much to blame as he is for the state of our relationship (my anger and resentment towards him keeps me from attempting to make things better). But I've realized in the past few days that major changes need to take place. I will wait until after the holidays and possibly until after the cruise, but at that time it will be do or die. We will either fix this relationship back to it's original state (is that even possible?) or I will move out. I will not come second or third to Barbara and Laura anymore. If he doesn't make me a priority again, then we are finished. We need to start connecting on an emotional/physical level and we haven't done that in several years. I know it's possible to do that (we did it a few months ago when we were going to break up). But since that night, we have not connected again! I think Jose is more cut out to be a straight man instead of a gay man. He is not a good gay man. He wants to be a family man with a wife and kids. He might as well go marry Barbara and adopt her child because in the meantime, I'm just turning into a damn drunk. That's my way of coping with this shit instead of dealing with these issue head-on. I deserve to be with someone who puts me first and not some woman and her kid. I think Jose will look back one day and really regret the choices he's made about where he put his priorities. Barbara may not be around one day and I might not either.....then where will he put his priorities? A life full of regrets is not a life fulfilled (I should take my own advice!). I know one thing.....I will not waste any more years of my life in a dead-end situation and from where I sit now, this looks like a dead-end.

Dinner at Mom's

Here's a funny story: I've noticed over the last couple of years that my step-father has this peculiar behavior. When you eat dinner at his house, there is an allotment of time that he gives you in order to finish your meal. Once that time limit has expired, it's like fending off a shark to keep him from taking your plate away!! This is no joke! He is usually the first one finished eating and then he stands near the table, waiting for everyone to finish up. The minute you are done, he snatches your plate away. God help you if you wanted seconds! I think everyone in my family is now trained to eat fast at his house, except for me. I WILL NOT BE RUSHED! Mind you, I am a slow eater to begin with......not on pupose, that's just how I am. It drives Jose crazy! I am always the last one eating, except on rare ocassions when there is actually someone slower than me (it has happened!). Most everyone was done eating last night when I got up for seconds. Mark (my stepdad) immediately went to grab my plate from me, but I side-stepped him and went in for seconds (much to his dismay, I'm sure!). As I'm sitting there eating, my plate still full of food, he asks me if I'm done eating! I ignored him and kept chowing down. He finally couldn't stand it any longer and leaned into Jose and whispered something. I knew it was about me eating slowly. He said something to the effect that it was going to be tomorrow morning before I was finished eating. Ha ha! Funny! The man LITERALLY can't do ANYTHING else until all the plates are cleaned and put away. But he has no problem holding up a card game or any other activity to go outside and smoke a cigar. He sat at the dinner table, practically staring me down, while I ate my second plate, clearly agitated that I was taking so long. It was really rather funny, except that it totally pissed me off and I couldn't even finish my meal without feeling guilty for taking so long. The man is obsessed! Possessed! It must be a military thing or something. I've noticed this behavior over time and I joke about it to Jose every time we go over there for dinner, but this time it was extremely annoying. I'm going to say something to my mother about it. I don't even want to eat dinner over there anymore. I was even debating if I want to go on the cruise with them anymore. Because it means a week with him! And I'll have indigestion the whole time!! Fun times with my family!

Madonna Rocks!!

Who else out there is a Madonna fan? I am IN LOVE with her right now. I first became a Madonna fan in 1990 when "The Immaculate Collection" came out. I had heard all of her songs on the radio in the 80's and liked them, but never paid that much attention. I was more into heavy metal and rock at the time. But I ran out and bought that greatest hits CD and I have been a fan ever since. I know there are better singers and entertainers (maybe) out there, but there is just something about Madonna that I'm obsessed about. I can't put my finger on it or explain it, but I can't get enough of her recently.

I prefer Madonna's 80's music to anything she released in the 90's (I do love her 90's music too, just not as much). I love everything and anything Madonna. I love everything she has released in the 2000's also, even "American Life". In fact, I think "Life" is one of her best CD's and terribly underrated. "Confessions On A Dance Floor" is awesome too and I listen to it often. I love "Sorry" and "Get Together" the best, as well as "Hung Up". The rest of the CD is great too. There is a stark contrast between the Madonna of the 80's and Madonna of the 90's. The 80's were a time of pop songs and carefree fun and good times. Madonna became a lot more introspective in the 90's, which stands to reason, as that awareness comes with age. The music started to change and become more adult along about "Like A Prayer", which retained a lot of the 80's flair, but was also a more mature CD. Once the 90's hit, Madonna's music became much more dark and not as pop-oriented. That's not to say it was bad.....just different and I like all of her music for different reasons (even "Evita").

I recently had the pleasure of seeing Madonna in concert in Glendale Arena on June 10th. I had anticipated this concert for months and the anticipation built to a frenzy that night. I was going to see Madonna live in person! I had heard that there would be no air-conditioning during the show, at Madonna's request, but I didn't care. It was Madonna! She opened the show by emerging from a descending disco ball and launching into "Future Lovers" from her new CD. It was an awesome moment. She sang "Like A Virgin" while grinding on a dancer's pole and sitting on a saddle. The show was long on new material and short on our old favorites.....that would be my only criticism, but it was still all enjoyable. The "controversial" part of the show came early on, as a large, glass cross (with Madonna attached to it) rose up from the floor. She was wearing a crown of thorns (like Jesus) and performed "Live To Tell". It was a memorable moment and not offensive to me at all. Madonna performed almost every song from "Confessions". While I love that CD, she could have dropped a few of the lesser known tunes and added some more old favorites. In any case, it was an evening of pure ecstasy and one I will not soon forget. Madonna has even learned to play the electric guitar and jammed on "I Love New York" and a couple of other tunes. That was also a great moment. The concert (recorded in NY?) will be televised on NBC this fall.....I can't wait to watch it again and relive that evening.

Labor Day

Sorry there have been no posts of late. I have to be in the mood to write and I have not been. Plus I don't have anything to say right now. Nothing exciting going on in my life......things are very mundane. It's hard to believe that September has arrived and it is Labor Day weekend. My mother invited us over for dinner on Monday......it will be the first time we've seen my family since May 7th, when my step-brother got married. I think I've had lunch with my mother once since then, but I have not seen the rest of my family. I don't think we get invited to all the gatherings because we cancel out half the time. It will be nice to see everyone, but I am not close to any of them, save for my mother. And perhaps her sister, my aunt Nancy. It's strange how I am so distant from my family......I probably would be fine if I never saw any of them again, not counting my mother and aunt. Maybe my sister too. I don't relate to any of the men in my family......they are all sports fanatics and NASCAR rednecks. They are like aliens to me. This is no doubt why Jose doesn't like to go over there......he doesn't relate to them either. We just don't fit in and I am more and more aware of that all the time. We are usually the first ones to leave the gatherings or a close second. Plus everyone there is white and Jose feels out of place. At least in his family there are a couple of white people (by marriage). When we get together with Barbara's family, I am the only white person and it is uncomfortable. Barbara is very prejudiced against white people. She never misses an opportunity to say something nasty about whites when I am around. Like how rude and arrogant they are (Jose feels the same way). She always makes it a point to say no offense to me, but I do take it offensively. How can I not? I am white!! It makes me think that racial segregation is right.......and normal. We feel comfortable around our own.

I have jury duty on Wednesday. In some ways, I don't mind it......it gives me a day off from work. But then if you don't get called to go before a case, you just sit there and sit there and go stir crazy. Last time I had jury duty, it was at Christmas time and my group got canceled. I probably won't get that lucky this time......it's late and I'm tired, so nighty night, peoples!

Weekend Review

Jose and I went to see "The Lion King" today at the TCC Music Hall. With Barbara, her mother, her mother's 3 sisters, and assorted children (we bought the tickets months ago, but I still would have gone anyway). It was a fantastic show! Wow! The music was great, it was funny, and oh my, the colors! What a beautiful looking show! The costumes were so colorful and the background lighting was exquisite. It was an experience that just made you feel good inside and happy to be alive. It's a show full of energy and magic......I highly recommend it! Of course Jose didn't like it......too ethnic for him and too few white men in the production. But he was the only one out of all of us who didn't like it. That man puts so many limitations on himself......he exasperates me sometimes. I continue to question why I stay with him. He limits me also. How do you leave someone after 6 and a half years, especially when at one time, I thought he was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me? I know I am still holding onto what USED to be, but I can't seem to relinquish that idea. I am unable to flourish in his presence now. I am still hoping that someday things will be like they used to be. Someone on TV last night was saying that people do not want to be unhappy and that accounts for the high divorce rate. That instead of riding out the hard times and living unhappily for a period of time, we just get divorced instead. There is some truth to that. It's hard to live in an unhappy state......I personally want to run from that. But how long is too long to live unhappily? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years? I don't have the answers, but I am one to try and stick it out and be unhappy for awhile. How long can I go before losing my mind? How long can I stick it out? That remains to be seen.......It's hard to remember when I started being unhappy. It's probably going on 1 year.....it could be longer than that, but at least 1 year that I've been mostly unhappy. Before that, there were short periods of unhappiness, but nothing that lasted this long. And to be honest, there have been short periods of happiness in this last year. I will continue to ride it out awhile longer...........

Has anyone seen the new version of Wes Craven's, "The Hills Have Eyes"? Well, if you like horror movies, then this is your bag! It is one of the most graphically and shockingly violent movies I have ever seen. People die in this movie that don't normally die in movies and they die very violently. It is almost over the top and left me feeling a bit sickened, but in spite of that, I have to give the movie a thumbs up. It was good and my interest never wandered. I remember seeing the original many years ago and I don't think I cared for that. Be forewarned: it is extremely violent and very graphic, like nothing you've seen before. I also watched Speed 2 this weekend......certainly not a great movie, but decent entertainment. I only bring it up because of one thing: Jason Patric. Is he hot in this movie or what?! I think I developed a crush while watching this flick! He is so dreamy! I want him to be my daddy!!! Scrumptious!

Changes

This has been a week of change at work. We have the yearly influx of students coming to our clinic from Pima Community College. We are taking 3 new students this year, one more than last year. And as always, we have one student from Pima Medical Institute. Their students are terrible, for the most part. I don't know why that is, but I think it has a lot to do with the faculty at that school. When I was the clinical instructor at St. Joseph's Hospital, they would always send me their worst students. And they were pretty bad! Lazy, with a capital L and full of attitude! The ones they send to CIC are not as bad, but they aren't that great either! First day impressions of the new PCC group are positive. One of the 2nd years, Yessenia, I already know from St. Joseph's. She works there as a tech assistant and became one of my students shortly before I left. She is a hard worker with a great attitude. The other 2nd year student, Randy, is an older gentleman, who seems like he will do well also. I found out yesterday that he is a Mormon......wait until he finds out that I am gay!! It should be interesting having him in our mix because we talk very graphic and raunchy at work. Nothing is off limits and we will not change things because of his presence. He will have to deal.....we probably will moderate our discussions to some degree because of him. It will be fun to see what happens.......The third student is a brand new 1st year who doesn't know how to take any x-rays. Those are my favorite because I can mold them to be the kind of tech I want them to be (a good one!). Her name is Karlene and I already like her and can tell she will excel in this field. So many new faces and personalities. It's quite a change.......Then we have our Russian PMI student, who nobody likes. Her accent is so thick you can't understand half of what she says and imagine the poor patients who have to follow her directions! She is graduating in one month and is not qualified to be a technologist at this point. It's kind of scary that she will be employed somewhere and on her own. She is in love with me, by the way! She hasn't figured out that I am gay yet......I think she's a little dense also. She made a big mistake recently when she came up behind me and put her hands on my hips and pressed her body into mine. I was like, "What the fuck?!?!". She's always touching me and is clearly enthralled with me......who wouldn't be?! She took it too far though and got reprimanded for invading people's personal space. She tried to deny it at first (there were 5 witnesses to the incident). Then she tried to say that that is how people show friendliness in her country. Well, bitch, you are in the USA now and you don't touchy without an invitation!! We joke that now she will have the KGB after me! Such drama!!

Friday Nite Thoughts

I was just sitting here reading my last post and I really must apologize to my readers for that tirade and my ranting and raving. I really let my feelings get out of control and that's why you shouldn't blog when you are angry! Plus it was WAY too long......those of you who made it through the whole post are to be commended. Jose and I went to dinner at Bennigan's tonight......I had a dining card that I got with my cashback bonus from Discover Card. We don't normally go there to eat, but I actually rather enjoy the place. I think we will go back. Jose is very stressed out from work right now. He manages the techs at his job (computers) and they are not treating him very well.....at least from his perspective. He has always had conflicts with these people, but I have never seen him so upset over things at work. I hope he doesn't do something rash......like quit his job. He's been there for 20 years and knows he can't go anywhere else and make the amount of money that he does. He was very pleasant to be with at dinner, but that might have been the beer he had talking. Sometimes Jose can be so nice to me......it always takes me by surprise because generally he isn't like that (with me). He's usually very sarcastic and frequently downright mean. He makes it hard for me to love him, especially lately.

We have no big plans for the weekend, except to go get our passports. But I just found out that the office isn't open on the weekends, contrary to what someone at work told me, so I guess we won't be doing that now. We can still go get our photos taken. Maybe we'll see a movie......we haven't seen anything since Superman (which wasn't good, by the way). There just isn't much out that interests me at all......nothing, as a matter of fact. I had wanted to see Lady in the Water, but it got such bad reviews and did so poorly at the box office, I'm not sure if I want to see it now. Someone at work said The Descent was good.....maybe we'll go see that. I love scary movies and the scarier, the better!!