Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

So, it's July 31.....summer is two-thirds over already!! It is pouring rain.....again. The street in front of my house looks like a river. Saturday morning it rained for 4 straight hours.....unheard of in the desert Southwest. We need the rain, of course.....we have been in an extreme drought for nearly a year.

Last week was extremely busy and hectic.....I apologize for not posting. I sat down to write yesterday, but the words were not flowing. Jose and I spent a good chunk of time moving Barbara and her family into a new house. They had all been living in Barbara's 2-bedroom apartment, her mother, father, and their three grandchildren who they have now adopted. Barbara's sister (the kids' mother) is a drug addict who has been in and out of jail, along with her drug addict husband and they lost custody of the kids. Barbara's parents have taken on the responsibility of raising the three kids and recently adopted them. Those kids are a handful and Barbara's parents are not in the best of health......It's a good thing Barbara is there to help out, yet Barbara has her own set of health issues. She is a diabetic who is in renal failure and gets dialysis 3 times a week. Her cousin was going to donate a kidney to her and started going through all the testing, but later backed out. Barbara has a male friend in Ohio who just found out he might be a match and may come out to Tucson for testing. Jose is not a match.....he was the first one to be tested. I would only give my kidney to a family member or Jose.......Jose helps out Barbara's family whenever they need him......he is very generous with his time and money. I like Barbara's mom.....she is pretty cool.

On to other things........Jose and I broke up last Wednesday night. It lasted about 45 minutes, but it was a genuine 45 minutes. I accused him of cheating (he's not) and he said if I didn't trust him, maybe we better just end this relationship. And we did!! For 45 minutes! Jose and I have had a lot of problems in our short, 6-year history. We went to counseling for a year in 2004-2005 and it did help us to communicate better. But it's been about a year since we stopped counseling and we have stopped communicating again. We have really just stopped interacting at all lately and I think I've been trying to jar us awake for the last month or two. I really did think he might be cheating.....I figured that would explain his lack of interest in me (sexually and communicative). So I really challenged him Wednesday night and brought it all to a head. It was a good thing I did because we have made up and had passionate sex like we haven't had in years!! And we are communicating again! I feel like we rejuvinated our relationship. Will it last? That remains to be seen.....I hope so. I really do love him and want this relationship to work out. We have always planned to spend the rest of our lives together.....I'm still holding out for that. Only time will tell.......

Molly has not called me to tell me how her test went. I don't know what that means.....but I have a bad feeling. More to come......

Gays in Hollywood

So, Lance Bass is gay. Awesome!! I love it when celebrities "come out". Americans (not all, of course) IDOLIZE celebrities and when a celebrity comes out of the closet, it helps to legitimize the homosexual lifestyle in their eyes. Of course, Lance Bass coming out is not like, say, Tom Cruise coming out, but it's still a great thing anyway. Rumors have swirled about Tom Cruise for years (and there may be something to it). There are lots of Hollywood leading men and ladies that are gay and stay in the closet, for fear of how coming out might negatively affect their careers. This has been a known fact for years.....remember Rock Hudson (major hottie!) and Tab Hunter? It has always been there. Even though it is more accepted today to be gay, there are still those right-wing conservatives out there that hate gays and would love to ship us all off to an island somewhere. There are even some in my own family! I think over the next 2 generations or so, that fraction of society will diminish as more and more young people choose to be liberal rather than conservative. I even believe that one day homosexuals will be looked at as normal and maybe we'll even be allowed to marry (gasp!)! I doubt that will happen in my lifetime, but it is coming in the future. And for all you straight people out there, being gay is NOT a choice. Did you choose to be straight? No, you just are. Did I choose to be gay? No, I just am. It's as natural to me as being straight is to you. Was I born this way? I don't know, but I tend to think so. I have never felt sexual attraction to women. EVER! It's a foreign concept, so I must have been born this way. So to all you right-wingers out there who hate gay people, take your archaic and antiquated attitudes about us and shove them up your assholes! You don't have a clue about the damage you are perpetrating on your fellow Americans who are gay and deserve all the same rights that you receive. This is 2006, not 1956. Save your hot air about what the Bible says, as well. God does not hate gay people. He made me in His Image, so he loves gay people as much as straight people. It's a shame that we live in the greatest country in the world, but on some issues we are as backward as a third-world country. Maybe we should round up all the right-wingers and ship them off to an island. That way they can't attempt to control all other human beings and try to tell everyone else how they should live their lives. Go start your own commune somewhere, preferably on another planet. How about Uranus! FUCK OFF RIGHT-WINGERS!

Censorship

Saturday afternoon when Jose came home he immediately got on the computer (not unusual). After about an hour I came in to see what he was doing and he gave me the strangest look. He wanted to know why he couldn't find my blog. I said that it must be there and kind of stalled because of what I'd just written about Barbara. I then offered to pull it up for him, but he said forget it and that he didn't want to read it anyway. He didn't care what I wrote about him and I told him I hadn't written anything about him. But he is very sensitive when it comes to Barbara and any kind of criticism about her or their relationship. When his nephew criticized their relationship one time, Jose stopped speaking to him for several months. So I was very worried about him reading my post and just stayed off the computer for the rest of the weekend. I swear that man has radar like you can't believe! The minute I write something about Barbara he wants to read my blog!! And herein lies the problem with letting your friends and family know that you have a blog. I do write my posts with the fact in mind that someone I know might read it and I do temper my words to some degree. But at the same time, I don't want to censor my words or topics because I'm afraid that certain people may read it. This is my personal diary and even though it is in the public domain, this is MY site to write about whatever I feel like. I honestly don't mind if people I know read my blog, including Jose, but I don't plan on defending ANYTHING I write in here. Read this blog at your own peril and if you don't think you can handle what I write, then DON'T READ IT! I was going to run to the computer the minute Jose got off and delete the post I had just placed and let him read my blog. But I would have to be recovering posts all the time, for fear of what he or someone else may read, and I decided what would be the point of having this blog then. I might as well buy a diary with a lock on it and delete this blog. So for anyone that I know and give the address to for this blog, read at your own risk and try not to get your feelings hurt or be upset about something I wrote. This IS my personal journal and I'm not going to censor my words or thoughts. That said.....Molly is taking her ARRT test this morning. I am SO nervous for her. I am praying that she passes this time and I would ask anyone reading this to pray for her too. Her future depends on passing this test! Good luck, Molly. I believe you are going to pass this time. Off to work.......

Home Alone/Barbara

I am home by myself, which I LOVE! In many ways, I am very much a loner. I love to stay home by myself and do whatever I want, talk to myself if I feel like it, etc.........But at the same time, I also love to be around people and go out and do stuff....I'm not an exclusive loner. I have discovered that I love to sit here and write on my blog. I used to love to write when I was a teenager and I sort of lost that as I got older. I think I've rediscovered that love and I'm so excited about it!! Maybe it's just that I'm so egocentric I love to see my thoughts written down somewhere, just like people who talk constantly because they love hearing themselves talk. We have one of those at work (no names mentioned) and that person annoys the SHIT out of everyone. I hope I'm not annoying anyone.....................

Jose is out with Barbara, his best friend of many years and former girlfriend (yes, gay men can have girlfriends, when they are still in that denial stage about their sexuality). And yes, they did have sex! I have always had issues with Barbara and Jose is aware of that. I have struggled not to dislike her over the years and still struggle with that today. My struggle is not over the fact that he has a best friend who was a former lover.....my struggle is over her feelings for him. I believe that Barbara's feelings for Jose go beyond friendship still.....I think she would be totally happy to be his wife/girlfriend/lover and I think that creates an unhealthy relationship between them. And it's especially unhealthy for her. Barbara even said one time that she felt she would never get over Jose and that no one would ever measure up to him(I was witness to it). Jose gets lots of ego gratification from knowing how she truly feels and that this woman (20 yrs later) is still pining for him. Who wouldn't, right? Barbara has an adopted daughter, Laura, who Jose considers his own daughter and that bond brings them (he and Barbara) even closer together. I think a lot of my problem is jealousy because I often feel that Barbara and Laura are more important to him than I am. He's even said in the past that if he had to choose me or them, he would choose them. Talk about a devestating blow to my ego...............Their relationship is something I've had to try and deal with for the last 6 years and sometimes it's very hard. I've even thought about leaving Jose over it (he is aware of that). But I love him and I don't want this situation to come between us. These days I just accept it.............she was here long before I came along and I can't expect them to cut their ties. At least when he spends time with her, it allows me my alone time, which I crave. So I am thankful for that and I'm thankful that he has someone (besides me) that cares about him so much. I think Barbara has a good heart, but I'm pretty certain that she detested the fact that I came along into Jose's life. She probably experienced the same jealousy that I have experienced. Barbara and I have never really bonded and become friends (I think there is just too much jealousy on both ends for that). Both of us just wish the other would go away so that we could have our man to ourselves. Funny thing is I think Barbara and I are very much alike, in our thinking and in our tastes. I've noticed that over the years. Under other circumstances, we probably might even be good friends. Unfortunately, under our present circumstance, I doubt that's ever going to happen. She and I will always be at odds to some degree. When we have to interact and socialize, we tolerate each other, but it is frequently strained. This is my perception anyway.....she might have a totally different perception. I believe the purpose of me having gotten into a relationship with someone who has this kind of a situation going on is to teach me to share and be less selfish. I'm not sure if I've learned the lesson or am in the process of learning the lesson. Perhaps I have even completely failed the lesson, based on my feelings about Barbara. I think I've done a pretty good job of sharing Jose with his "wife" and allowing that relationship to blossom into what it is today. But I haven't been able to do it completely without jealousy (right or wrong). I think I would have to be a saint to do it without jealousy, but maybe that thinking is just part of my shortcomings. There is much more about Barbara and her life that I haven't shared in this post, but I will save that for another time, as this is already a lengthy post.

Friday Night

We went drinking last night with Ana, who is one of Jose's many nieces and also Eva's sister, the one we went bowling with and who's husband was doing blow. Ana is a lesbian (or bisexual, it changes daily) and she is only 21 or 22, I can never remember. She got dumped by her girlfriend and wanted to go get drunk, so us old folks said we'd go out with her. We hardly ever go out, though it seems like since I started this blog, we've been doing all kinds of things. That is not the norm, trust me. We started out at Famous Sam's, a local, sports-bar chain (at least I think it's local) and played some pool, which I am not very good at. Some games I'm good, others I suck, just depends on if I get lucky that game. Ana is pretty good and Jose was doing good. We played a few games of pool, had a couple drinks, and then headed off to Chuy's, another local chain of bars/restaurants/sports-bars and ate and had another drink. Aren't we just party animals?!! Then we went to Fascinations, a local adult-oriented store with all the usual sex toys and what not. It's not sleazy like most adult porn places, so a more mainstream crowd shops/browses there. We didn't buy anything and we never do. We just walk through the store and giggle at all the dildos, etc....and then leave. We did look at some of the porn magazines, this month's Playgirl had a really hot guy in it. Judging by what I saw, Playgirl sure has changed. It's gotten a lot more raunchy and I love it! Right now I subscribe to Freshmen, but I think I will change to Playgirl. Freshmen is just full of porn stars now and half of them are not cut, which I don't like. Playgirl is still just the "average" guy on the street, which is what I like. I don't like porn stars. So we left Fascinations and drove down 4th Avenue, which is sort of like Tucson's Beale Street in Memphis. It's full of bars and shops and lots of young people hang out there and drink. We didn't stop anywhere and just drove home after that. It was past 10 and the old folks needed to get home! Seriously, once you hit 40, it is so hard to stay out late and enjoy yourself, that's why you must do it in your youth. And then if you do stay out late, it throws your whole schedule out of whack! Those are just some of the joys of getting older, along with all the aches and pains and creaking bones (and I'm only HALF joking)! Told Molly I might help her study today and I don't know if I feel like it. She works until 3, so who knows how I'll feel by then. Updates to come!!

Bowling Night

Jose and I went bowling tonite with his neice, Eva and her husband, Curtis. They are a bit younger than us and I like them both a lot. They have a 2 year old daughter, Izabel, who I just love to pieces. We always play together whenever I see her. She loves to play with our cats when she comes over and she always wants popsicles. She is so special. Eva just had a baby boy, Christian, a couple of months ago, actually 3 months now. Jose and I hadn't bowled in awhile, but we did pretty good. My high game was 141 and I had a 136 also....not bad for being rusty. Even when I was on a league (13 yrs ago), I rarely did better than that. I am just an average bowler, I think once I hit 200 or maybe went over, but only once. People do not know bowling courtesy, such as when the person next to you is ready to throw, you don't walk right up and throw your ball. People don't teach their kids that either.....that is what's wrong with this country. Parents don't teach their kids SHIT anymore! Everyone just does whatever the hell they want. And of course they parked us next to a bunch of kids, who screwed up many of my shots. We were at a ghetto bowling alley to begin with, I don't know what I expected. But that tends to happen everywhere you go, it's just multiplied in the ghetto. Eva and Curtis have had some problems of late.....Curtis has been doing cocaine and no one is sure what else. Eva left him for awhile, but they are back together trying to work things out. Curtis is a good guy, just very young and a bit irresponsible. I hope he cleans his act up, for Eva's sake. She is a good wife and mother and he doesn't deserve her and she deserves better. Good luck to them. I was going to go on a tirade about Farmer's Insurance, but I think I'll skip it. Suffice it to say, they pissed me off, I canceled my policy and now they are trying to stick me with a bill that I don't owe. I believe I got the whole mess cleared up today, but we will see. If this doesn't end it, I will involve the BBB, which I have been known to do in the past. I can't tolerate getting ripped off and I wish now that we had complained to the manager of Rockin' Baja Lobster. We spent a shitload of money there and left very dissatisfied. We are always so afraid to complain. We need to get over that!!

Hoover Dam during our June vacation, minus the Indiana Jones hat (isn't that a cool hat?!)

Molly & Kyle

I called Molly after I left work today....she was happy to hear from me. She's planning to take the ARRT exam in about a week! Just to backtrack a little, to become a Radiologic Technologist, you must go to an approved school (community college or the like) and get an Associate's degree. And you must also do 1800 hours of clinical education in the workplace (mostly in hospitals or clinics). I first met Molly when I worked at St. Joseph's Hospital and part of my job was to be the student clinical coordinator. We became fast friends (even though I was technically her superior), but after she left St. Joseph's sometime in early 2005, we lost touch. I heard through the grapevine (it's a small grapevine in Tucson, AZ) that she took her ARRT registry test and failed. I was a little shocked, as she was a competent student. Some time later, I heard that she took the test a second time AND STILL FAILED! It is a hard exam to take, but few people fail it (there are a some, mostly from her school). As time went by I often wondered what became of her. One day she called the hospital out of the blue and we chatted briefly, but I was busy and couldn't really talk. Then this past spring she called me at home and asked if I would tutor her and help her pass the ARRT registry exam. She's always working, so it's hard to get together. We started studying on Saturdays, but Molly likes to drink and would usually have a hangover (not a good frame of mind for studying). So we'd blow off studying and go drink somewhere. We did this for a few Saturdays and then she went out town and I went out of town.....and our routine fell apart. Then I talk to her today and she is about to take the TEST! This is the 3rd time and do or die!! She has severe test anxiety and I think that's why she can't pass it (she was so close to passing the 2nd time, 1 percentage point short). So I told her we could study on Saturday, so we'll see......we'll probably end up drunk somewhere.....we always have a lot of fun either way.............

Speaking of old friends, I also talked to my friend Kyle today. I worked with him at St. Joseph's (he is a rad tech also). He is the most gay-friendly straight man that ever existed. He's even been to gay bars (he's married and has a baby). His wife, Amy, is a hairdresser, so they know lots of gay people that way. Many hairstylists are gay (you didn't know!!). I was not very "out" at the hospital, only a few people knew, but everyone suspected. Kyle actually got me to "come out" to him. We were only "work" friends and Kyle was a former student of mine also. He is very cool and loves to bear hug people (mainly the females). He is quite the talker, as I remember. When I left St. Joseph's for my present clinic job in October '05, we exchanged cell #'s and did the usual "yeah, we'll get together sometime", but never did. He did actually call me a few weeks after I left St. Joe's and I called him back, but we just played phone tag. I always thought it was strange that he would want to hang out with me, beings I'm gay and he's straight. Straight men are rarely that comfortable with their sexuality. Kyle is one of a kind and I hope to have more contact with him. Working in the healthcare field, I know more people than I ever have in my whole life. It's nice...........

I haven't let anyone except Jose see this blog. I told Joe about it, but didn't give him the address. If I let people I know start reading this, how in the world can I talk about them and not get busted?! I want to be able to say anything here, but if I know so and so might read it, won't I feel inhibited? I know over time I'll be saying all kinds of things about Jose, not necessarily nice things either. We have our share of problems and fights and I have doubts all the time about our future together....But that is best left for another time. I never knew I'd have so much to say here.....So, I won't be getting to Madonna tonite or fat people or my history with Jose.....or our vacation last month, which started with the Madonna concert in Glendale....all in good time. It sure was good to talk to my friends today....friends are important.

I feel like shit this morning.....I know it's that greasy/oily/buttery/sauce-laden food from the Baja Lobster last night. My stomach just can't handle eating like that anymore, plus I did eat way more than I usually do. I feel like I have a hangover and I only had 1 drink! Trust me, I don't get hangovers, even if I have 5 drinks. The one time I had a hangover recently was when I went to Pizza Hut with my friend Molly and we drank a pitcher of Bud. I had a screaming headache the next day. I feel like such shit I can't even get on the treadmill this morning, which I usually do every morning. God knows, after all those calories, I REALLY NEED TO GET ON THAT TREADMILL! Oh well.....I would call in sick to work today, but I have Fluoro (a radiologic term for Upper GI's, Barium Enemas, etc...). Someone would be pissed off at me for having to do my Fluoro day. All 5 techs where I work have one day of fluoro a week, always the same day. People get pissy if they have to do more than their share, myself included. Speaking of Molly, I need to call her. A few months ago she called me out of the blue to ask me to help her study for the ARRT exam to become a rad tech. I agreed to help her, but we never studied much (we'd end up at Chuy's drinking margaritas). She's a blast, much younger than me and kind of butch, but she's a sweetheart. I believe she went to Iowa in May to visit her family and we kind of lost touch and have not gotten together since. She called me awhile back, but I never returned her call. When I was the student clinical instructor at St. Joseph's hospital, she was my student and we became friends. Her sister is a lesbian, but I haven't met her. I need to call her......I've been meaning to......

Sunday Nite Dinner

Went to dinner tonite with our friends, Joe and David. They are a partnered, gay couple also and they've been together almost as long as Jose and I. We tried a new restaurant, Rockin' Baja Lobster. I think Jose and I ate at one in San Diego years ago, not sure. Before you go there, plan to set aside about 3 hours because it will take at least 1 hour to get a table and 2 more hours to get thru the meal. The food was pretty decent, but the salad bar was pathetic. Lettuce with some cheese thrown in and salad dressing. That's it!! There were several salsa's, but never did see the tortilla chips. The honey chile butter that goes on the warm tortillas was delicious. I had a unique margarita, with mint leaves and Triple Sec. It was way too minty and I find that when you order mixed drinks at a restaurant/bar, they usually don't put much alcohol in. I didn't even catch a buzz. Joe ordered one also and he didn't care for it either. The Tequila Lime shrimp appetizer was drenched in a butter/garlic/lime sauce to DIE FOR and the shrimp were succulent. I ordered the Burrito Del Mar....didn't care for the sauce slathered all over it and it lacked shrimp and lobster, which was supposed to come in it. It was all tortilla, cheese, and sauce. Not very good. Everyone else ordered buckets with crab legs (heavenly), shrimp, chicken, etc....Mostly, the food was good. Service.....SUCKED!! It literally took a good hour to get our food and about 30 mins for the appetizer to arrive. Our waitress had a large table and mostly ignored us the whole night. Needless to say, I barely left her a tip. Maybe she hated gay people too. Everyone was making excuses for her, but the one thing that pisses me off is getting poor service and I make it known when tip time rolls around. Good service can make a bad meal tolerable, but bad service along with bad food (or good) makes for a miserable time. I got to wear my Madonna pole dancer concert T-shirt for the first time tonite....I think it looks awesome. Maybe tomorrow I will tell you about the Madonna concert we went to in Phoenix in June. I didn't buy the T-shirt there (prices were astronomical), but I bought it on Fanfire when I got home for a lot less(it was still $50, including shipping). Kind of a thin T-shirt, but the design is cool. Jose said people were looking at us all nite in the restaurant, I guess because we are gay. Our friend David is a little on the flamboyant side and he talks loudly....it does draw attention, but it doesn't bother me. Fuck people if they have a problem with us being gay, I don't give a shit anymore. All my life I've worried what other people think and yet, in some small way, it still does bother me when people stare or keep putting attention on us. That rarely happens with just Jose and I....we are very low-key gay men and not feminine at all. I'm kind of glad David is a little feminine.....maybe it will help us get over caring what other people think. Why can't people just live and let live? People always have to put their shit on other people....just go about your own pitiful lives and mind your own fucking business! Geez! Have you noticed how fat people are becoming? There is definitely an obesity epidemic in this country and many of them were at the Baja Lobster tonite! That is a topic for another night though, as I have a lot I can say about that subject. So, my next two future topics: Madonna's concert and obesity!

June 2006 in Sedona, Arizona

Recent vacation photo in Oak Creek Canyon, which is between Flagstaff and Sedona, Arizona

Superman Returns

This is my first post.....and my blog is not very exciting, as I don't really know what I am doing. I'm not terribly computer-saavy as it is. I have been reading Madonna's blog and decided I wanted one of my own. Not that anyone really cares what I think, but I want my thoughts out there. Maybe someone will read them and care! Went to see Superman Returns last night. It sucked. All the critics have been raving....don't know why. Christopher Reeve's 1978 "Superman" was far better. The special effects in the new movie are not that great, especially in this day and age. It was a very cartoonish movie. I know it's Superman, but c'mon....The new movie doesn't really suck, but it's not that good either. I just expected WAY more and it was a little slow in spots....too long also. Not a single performance stuck out....not even Kevin Spacey, though he was better than anyone else. Mind you, I am a big Superman fan, so this was very disappointing for me. Skip the new movie and buy the DVD of Reeve's "Superman".