Home Alone/Barbara
I am home by myself, which I LOVE! In many ways, I am very much a loner. I love to stay home by myself and do whatever I want, talk to myself if I feel like it, etc.........But at the same time, I also love to be around people and go out and do stuff....I'm not an exclusive loner. I have discovered that I love to sit here and write on my blog. I used to love to write when I was a teenager and I sort of lost that as I got older. I think I've rediscovered that love and I'm so excited about it!! Maybe it's just that I'm so egocentric I love to see my thoughts written down somewhere, just like people who talk constantly because they love hearing themselves talk. We have one of those at work (no names mentioned) and that person annoys the SHIT out of everyone. I hope I'm not annoying anyone.....................
Jose is out with Barbara, his best friend of many years and former girlfriend (yes, gay men can have girlfriends, when they are still in that denial stage about their sexuality). And yes, they did have sex! I have always had issues with Barbara and Jose is aware of that. I have struggled not to dislike her over the years and still struggle with that today. My struggle is not over the fact that he has a best friend who was a former lover.....my struggle is over her feelings for him. I believe that Barbara's feelings for Jose go beyond friendship still.....I think she would be totally happy to be his wife/girlfriend/lover and I think that creates an unhealthy relationship between them. And it's especially unhealthy for her. Barbara even said one time that she felt she would never get over Jose and that no one would ever measure up to him(I was witness to it). Jose gets lots of ego gratification from knowing how she truly feels and that this woman (20 yrs later) is still pining for him. Who wouldn't, right? Barbara has an adopted daughter, Laura, who Jose considers his own daughter and that bond brings them (he and Barbara) even closer together. I think a lot of my problem is jealousy because I often feel that Barbara and Laura are more important to him than I am. He's even said in the past that if he had to choose me or them, he would choose them. Talk about a devestating blow to my ego...............Their relationship is something I've had to try and deal with for the last 6 years and sometimes it's very hard. I've even thought about leaving Jose over it (he is aware of that). But I love him and I don't want this situation to come between us. These days I just accept it.............she was here long before I came along and I can't expect them to cut their ties. At least when he spends time with her, it allows me my alone time, which I crave. So I am thankful for that and I'm thankful that he has someone (besides me) that cares about him so much. I think Barbara has a good heart, but I'm pretty certain that she detested the fact that I came along into Jose's life. She probably experienced the same jealousy that I have experienced. Barbara and I have never really bonded and become friends (I think there is just too much jealousy on both ends for that). Both of us just wish the other would go away so that we could have our man to ourselves. Funny thing is I think Barbara and I are very much alike, in our thinking and in our tastes. I've noticed that over the years. Under other circumstances, we probably might even be good friends. Unfortunately, under our present circumstance, I doubt that's ever going to happen. She and I will always be at odds to some degree. When we have to interact and socialize, we tolerate each other, but it is frequently strained. This is my perception anyway.....she might have a totally different perception. I believe the purpose of me having gotten into a relationship with someone who has this kind of a situation going on is to teach me to share and be less selfish. I'm not sure if I've learned the lesson or am in the process of learning the lesson. Perhaps I have even completely failed the lesson, based on my feelings about Barbara. I think I've done a pretty good job of sharing Jose with his "wife" and allowing that relationship to blossom into what it is today. But I haven't been able to do it completely without jealousy (right or wrong). I think I would have to be a saint to do it without jealousy, but maybe that thinking is just part of my shortcomings. There is much more about Barbara and her life that I haven't shared in this post, but I will save that for another time, as this is already a lengthy post.
Jose is out with Barbara, his best friend of many years and former girlfriend (yes, gay men can have girlfriends, when they are still in that denial stage about their sexuality). And yes, they did have sex! I have always had issues with Barbara and Jose is aware of that. I have struggled not to dislike her over the years and still struggle with that today. My struggle is not over the fact that he has a best friend who was a former lover.....my struggle is over her feelings for him. I believe that Barbara's feelings for Jose go beyond friendship still.....I think she would be totally happy to be his wife/girlfriend/lover and I think that creates an unhealthy relationship between them. And it's especially unhealthy for her. Barbara even said one time that she felt she would never get over Jose and that no one would ever measure up to him(I was witness to it). Jose gets lots of ego gratification from knowing how she truly feels and that this woman (20 yrs later) is still pining for him. Who wouldn't, right? Barbara has an adopted daughter, Laura, who Jose considers his own daughter and that bond brings them (he and Barbara) even closer together. I think a lot of my problem is jealousy because I often feel that Barbara and Laura are more important to him than I am. He's even said in the past that if he had to choose me or them, he would choose them. Talk about a devestating blow to my ego...............Their relationship is something I've had to try and deal with for the last 6 years and sometimes it's very hard. I've even thought about leaving Jose over it (he is aware of that). But I love him and I don't want this situation to come between us. These days I just accept it.............she was here long before I came along and I can't expect them to cut their ties. At least when he spends time with her, it allows me my alone time, which I crave. So I am thankful for that and I'm thankful that he has someone (besides me) that cares about him so much. I think Barbara has a good heart, but I'm pretty certain that she detested the fact that I came along into Jose's life. She probably experienced the same jealousy that I have experienced. Barbara and I have never really bonded and become friends (I think there is just too much jealousy on both ends for that). Both of us just wish the other would go away so that we could have our man to ourselves. Funny thing is I think Barbara and I are very much alike, in our thinking and in our tastes. I've noticed that over the years. Under other circumstances, we probably might even be good friends. Unfortunately, under our present circumstance, I doubt that's ever going to happen. She and I will always be at odds to some degree. When we have to interact and socialize, we tolerate each other, but it is frequently strained. This is my perception anyway.....she might have a totally different perception. I believe the purpose of me having gotten into a relationship with someone who has this kind of a situation going on is to teach me to share and be less selfish. I'm not sure if I've learned the lesson or am in the process of learning the lesson. Perhaps I have even completely failed the lesson, based on my feelings about Barbara. I think I've done a pretty good job of sharing Jose with his "wife" and allowing that relationship to blossom into what it is today. But I haven't been able to do it completely without jealousy (right or wrong). I think I would have to be a saint to do it without jealousy, but maybe that thinking is just part of my shortcomings. There is much more about Barbara and her life that I haven't shared in this post, but I will save that for another time, as this is already a lengthy post.
posted by Steven at 11:42:00 AM
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