Fathers and Relationships
Last night while we were driving to the concert, after picking up Barbara and Liz, I started to feel VERY resentful toward Barbara. I didn't acknowledge her when she got into the car or vice versa. She started to tell Liz about Laura's first day of school and she went on and on for like 10 minutes. Jose had taken the day off from work so that he and Barbara could take Laura to school and pick her up. In between, he chauffeured Barbara around on her errands, just like a good surrogate husband does. As I was listening to Barbara go on and on about their day, I was overwhelmed with anger over her constant intrusion into our lives! I HATE this whole situation! I am TIRED of sharing Jose with her! It's no wonder Jose and I don't have a good relationship. With her constant interference into our lives, how could we?! She uses him like a husband and THAT IS WRONG! He is MY husband, not hers! I am so angry right now......Jose and I can't possibly cultivate a good relationship when all his fucking time and attention is directed to them! And I blame HIM even more than I do her! Is he so blind that he can't see the forest through the trees?!! Today I am contemplating leaving this relationship BECAUSE I DESERVE MORE! I figure I need to decide by December what I want to do because that's when we will need to pay for this cruise. There is a part of me that doesn't even want him to go on this cruise with me because I know I'd probably have more fun without him. He will be constantly judging me on how much alcohol I drink, as well as judging my family for the same thing. He doesn't like my step-father because of his politics, so he will be judging EVERYTHING they say. Jose is extremely critical and judgemental of everyone. Just wait until he receives his own judgement from God!
This isn't the first time I've thought about leaving Jose. I think about it ALL THE TIME! I'm just too scared to make the decision, though I came close recently. I realize that I need to take a hard look at this and do what is right for me. I need to realize that this Barbara situation is NEVER going to change, unless she gets sick and dies (I'm not wishing that on her). I've tried to deal with this for 6 years and it's getting harder and harder everyday. I think before I was in denial about how much it was affecting my relationship, but now I can see the destruction it is doing. It is SIGNIFICANT and VERY damaging. Jose is completely blind to it or at least he pretends to be......I don't think he's blind to it, but he's making it clear where his loyalty lies. It's like he is living dual lives.....he wants to be a straight man, playing daddy with his nuclear family, but he also wants to live a gay lifestyle with me as his life partner. YOU CAN'T HAVE TWO LIVES! I know that if I force him to choose, he won't be choosing me, so I guess that is my answer. Thing is, I've known this answer for quite a long time and yet I am still here!! Of course that all relates to my own shortcomings and my lack of parenting from my absent father. If my own father didn't want me, why would anyone else? I realize how much of a part that plays in how I deal with Jose in our relationship......it is a MAJOR part. Don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting here blaming my current situation on my father......I take full responsibility for my actions. But when we are fucked up as little kids, it carries over into our adult lives, whether we are aware of it or not. We are shaped to be who we are as young kids and that plays out for the rest of our lives. I believe it is possible to change our inner being, but I think it's extremely hard to do and unlikely, even with therapy (and I'm not talking about sexuality).
Since I opened up the "father" door, let's talk about that a little bit. My father wasn't absent in the sense of being "gone".......he was right there in our household until I turned 18. The last 5 years of that time he was mostly at work or sitting on a barstool, but even when he was home, he wasn't there. I don't think he knew how to be a parent, but he certainly didn't want to parent me, either way. He completely rejected me, probably because he knew I was gay. I was not the kind of son he wanted. I wasn't athletic or interested in playing sports and that was about the only thing he was interested in. Even my brothers are not close to him and they at least had the sports thing going for them. My sister is a total jock, but my father isn't very close to her either. At least the others see him from time to time, but I have not spoken to the man in years. Lately I've been feeling a need to connect to him or at least tell him what damage he has done to me. It's not that I want a relationship with him. I honestly could care less at this point in my life. But I am very much aware that my father is now almost the age that his parents were when they died and I feel like I must say something to him before that time comes. FOR MYSELF, not for him. My father and his conscience are on their own, but a part of me feels that he should know the damage he has done to me and my psyche. Because I don't think he knows!! I don't think he has a clue the damage he has caused all of his children! And he should know, so that when he goes to meet his maker, it won't come as a surprise to him. I don't hate my father. I am a little pissed off that I got dealt him for the father card, but I guess we can't have everything in life. I know I would be a different person if I'd of had a father and a mother. Thank God for my mother! I love her dearly and am very close to her. She tried her best to be mother and father, but there was only so much that she could do.
It just boggles my mind that my father seems willing to go to his grave with the relationships of his children in the state that they are! It leaves me speechless that a person could care so little about their children! And always put himself first! What kind of a person does that? What kind of a person brings 4 children into the world and then abandons them? Aye Carumba! I just want to tell him what a loser I think he is! Over the years, I've toyed with the idea of writing him a detailed letter, but the motivation just doesn't come to me. I know the Bible says to honor thy father and mother......and I do honor my mother. But how in the world can I be expected to honor such a man? I suppose that is one of my many tests in life......just like I am being tested with this whole Barbara situation. I feel that I have released some of my anger in writing this......I feel a little better now and not so angry.
The Earth, Wind & Fire concert was AWESOME! Philip Bailey has a set of lungs on him that won't quit! It was impressive and the band sounded fabulous! You would swear they were playing a CD of their hits instead of singing live.....they sounded that good. Go see them if you ever get the chance.....you don't realize how many hits they've had until you hear them all together. EXTRAORDINARY!! Just an amazing evening of music. And no rain!!
This isn't the first time I've thought about leaving Jose. I think about it ALL THE TIME! I'm just too scared to make the decision, though I came close recently. I realize that I need to take a hard look at this and do what is right for me. I need to realize that this Barbara situation is NEVER going to change, unless she gets sick and dies (I'm not wishing that on her). I've tried to deal with this for 6 years and it's getting harder and harder everyday. I think before I was in denial about how much it was affecting my relationship, but now I can see the destruction it is doing. It is SIGNIFICANT and VERY damaging. Jose is completely blind to it or at least he pretends to be......I don't think he's blind to it, but he's making it clear where his loyalty lies. It's like he is living dual lives.....he wants to be a straight man, playing daddy with his nuclear family, but he also wants to live a gay lifestyle with me as his life partner. YOU CAN'T HAVE TWO LIVES! I know that if I force him to choose, he won't be choosing me, so I guess that is my answer. Thing is, I've known this answer for quite a long time and yet I am still here!! Of course that all relates to my own shortcomings and my lack of parenting from my absent father. If my own father didn't want me, why would anyone else? I realize how much of a part that plays in how I deal with Jose in our relationship......it is a MAJOR part. Don't get me wrong. I'm not sitting here blaming my current situation on my father......I take full responsibility for my actions. But when we are fucked up as little kids, it carries over into our adult lives, whether we are aware of it or not. We are shaped to be who we are as young kids and that plays out for the rest of our lives. I believe it is possible to change our inner being, but I think it's extremely hard to do and unlikely, even with therapy (and I'm not talking about sexuality).
Since I opened up the "father" door, let's talk about that a little bit. My father wasn't absent in the sense of being "gone".......he was right there in our household until I turned 18. The last 5 years of that time he was mostly at work or sitting on a barstool, but even when he was home, he wasn't there. I don't think he knew how to be a parent, but he certainly didn't want to parent me, either way. He completely rejected me, probably because he knew I was gay. I was not the kind of son he wanted. I wasn't athletic or interested in playing sports and that was about the only thing he was interested in. Even my brothers are not close to him and they at least had the sports thing going for them. My sister is a total jock, but my father isn't very close to her either. At least the others see him from time to time, but I have not spoken to the man in years. Lately I've been feeling a need to connect to him or at least tell him what damage he has done to me. It's not that I want a relationship with him. I honestly could care less at this point in my life. But I am very much aware that my father is now almost the age that his parents were when they died and I feel like I must say something to him before that time comes. FOR MYSELF, not for him. My father and his conscience are on their own, but a part of me feels that he should know the damage he has done to me and my psyche. Because I don't think he knows!! I don't think he has a clue the damage he has caused all of his children! And he should know, so that when he goes to meet his maker, it won't come as a surprise to him. I don't hate my father. I am a little pissed off that I got dealt him for the father card, but I guess we can't have everything in life. I know I would be a different person if I'd of had a father and a mother. Thank God for my mother! I love her dearly and am very close to her. She tried her best to be mother and father, but there was only so much that she could do.
It just boggles my mind that my father seems willing to go to his grave with the relationships of his children in the state that they are! It leaves me speechless that a person could care so little about their children! And always put himself first! What kind of a person does that? What kind of a person brings 4 children into the world and then abandons them? Aye Carumba! I just want to tell him what a loser I think he is! Over the years, I've toyed with the idea of writing him a detailed letter, but the motivation just doesn't come to me. I know the Bible says to honor thy father and mother......and I do honor my mother. But how in the world can I be expected to honor such a man? I suppose that is one of my many tests in life......just like I am being tested with this whole Barbara situation. I feel that I have released some of my anger in writing this......I feel a little better now and not so angry.
The Earth, Wind & Fire concert was AWESOME! Philip Bailey has a set of lungs on him that won't quit! It was impressive and the band sounded fabulous! You would swear they were playing a CD of their hits instead of singing live.....they sounded that good. Go see them if you ever get the chance.....you don't realize how many hits they've had until you hear them all together. EXTRAORDINARY!! Just an amazing evening of music. And no rain!!
posted by Steven at 10:44:00 AM
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