M.I.A
Bet you've all been wondering where I've been, huh? Admit it! You've missed me and my tirades!! I know you have! No, I didn't fall (get pushed) overboard on my cruise ship and end up on a deserted, tropical island (I haven't gone on my cruise yet). Nor was I kidnapped by Islamic terrorists while working overseas on covert, government operations. I was not in the hospital with double pneumonia or locked up in the sanitorium for murdering Barbara (though that is a good guess for those who suspected that). Sadly, I have been right here the whole time, plodding through my life as best as I can. As you get to know me, you will see that I lose interest in things and then later on I will discover them again and get interested. So here I am!! I can't promise you that I will be here for long though, so if I disappear again, don't take it personally. It is nothing against you, my reader (is there more than one?). I just don't know how long I will stay interested. This could be my one and only post.
Before, when I was writing pretty regularly, I was having to do it on the sly. It was kind of exciting at first, but then it just became a drag because sometimes I would sit here and write for a couple of hours and that's hard to do on the sly. If Jose knew that I was writing on a regular basis, he would surely want to read it and that would cause a multitude of problems between us. Just the fact that I said one cross word about Barbara would be all it would take for us to be in divorce court (theoretically speaking). We are gay, people! So I would have to write secretly so that he would think I had given up on this blog. To this day he has never asked about it again. Maybe he found my blog after all and has been reading it all this time, who knows. So I just kind of lost interest in doing this, plus there is nothing that exciting going on in my life anyway. People, you haven't missed anything! But I am back with an update!
Let's gossip!! I have suspected Jose of cheating lately! I am almost convinced that he is....I have been with cheaters in the past and I recognize the behaviors. He works late almost every night and when I question him about things, he tends to be evasive (or at least not forthcoming). I have confronted him on a couple of ocassions and told him I thought he was cheating. He swears that he isn't and that he really is just working late (and that may be the truth, as I don't think he is the type to cheat). We've been together almost 7 years.....I know him pretty well. So why don't I believe him! I can't shake this feeling that he is cheating! It's not like he's drop-dead gorgeous or anything and he doesn't have a good body. Physically, he's not something that men are going to be beating down the door to get at (only Barbara does that). But his M.O. is suspect. When he says he's going to go visit Barbara and Laura and work late, something just doesn't seem right. Plus he's been acting guilty and letting me get away with WAY more drinking than he ever did in the past (to me that's a sign of guilt). I have no proof and I don't plan to go follow him (I won't stoop to that). But I have serious trust issues with him at the moment and if I find out that he IS cheating, we are finished. I have given him several opportunities to come clean, but for him to continue lying to me, I cannot forgive. I can never trust a liar. As it is I feel like he is cheating on me with Barbara and Laura.....and I don't know how much longer I can put up with that situation. I have had some very ugly thoughts of late where Barbara is concerned. I hope I don't end up in hell because of them.
Here's a story for you to shed some light on my hatred of Barbara: We all went to Jose's nephew's wedding in Nogales, AZ. It was a Catholic ceremony and all in Spanish (Jose is Mexican and I am white). Towards the end of the ceremony or Mass, the priest tells you to turn to your neighbor and those around and wish them peace and shake hands. I was next to Jose and Barbara was on the other side of him (not far away). I put out my hand to her (like the good Christian person I am) and she completely dissed me! She would not shake my hand! She shook everyone else's hand around her, but refused to shake mine. I held out my hand for at least 30 seconds and she blew me off. God forgive me, but I sat in that church and wished some evil things on her! I won't tell you what evil things I wished (they are too wicked to repeat), but use your imagination! Just another example of how I try to put my bitterness aside and be nice to her and she acts like a fucking bitch to me. She can go to hell for all I care (sorry Jose). Why must I bear this Barbara cross?! I finally find someone to be in a long-term relationship with and it comes with this shitty baggage!
Jose was in Las Vegas earlier this week for a seminar. It gave me some time alone to contemplate my life and my relationship and it's effects on me. I've realized I might need to make some bold choices in the coming year. 7 years may be as far as Jose and I go without some drastic changes in our relationship. It's gotten to the point where if Jose isn't at work, then he's with Barbara or in his bedroom watching TV. We hardly even interact anymore. We don't do anything as a couple, except for the ocassional shopping trip. It is like we are just roommates, only we sleep in the same bed. I am as much to blame as he is for the state of our relationship (my anger and resentment towards him keeps me from attempting to make things better). But I've realized in the past few days that major changes need to take place. I will wait until after the holidays and possibly until after the cruise, but at that time it will be do or die. We will either fix this relationship back to it's original state (is that even possible?) or I will move out. I will not come second or third to Barbara and Laura anymore. If he doesn't make me a priority again, then we are finished. We need to start connecting on an emotional/physical level and we haven't done that in several years. I know it's possible to do that (we did it a few months ago when we were going to break up). But since that night, we have not connected again! I think Jose is more cut out to be a straight man instead of a gay man. He is not a good gay man. He wants to be a family man with a wife and kids. He might as well go marry Barbara and adopt her child because in the meantime, I'm just turning into a damn drunk. That's my way of coping with this shit instead of dealing with these issue head-on. I deserve to be with someone who puts me first and not some woman and her kid. I think Jose will look back one day and really regret the choices he's made about where he put his priorities. Barbara may not be around one day and I might not either.....then where will he put his priorities? A life full of regrets is not a life fulfilled (I should take my own advice!). I know one thing.....I will not waste any more years of my life in a dead-end situation and from where I sit now, this looks like a dead-end.
Before, when I was writing pretty regularly, I was having to do it on the sly. It was kind of exciting at first, but then it just became a drag because sometimes I would sit here and write for a couple of hours and that's hard to do on the sly. If Jose knew that I was writing on a regular basis, he would surely want to read it and that would cause a multitude of problems between us. Just the fact that I said one cross word about Barbara would be all it would take for us to be in divorce court (theoretically speaking). We are gay, people! So I would have to write secretly so that he would think I had given up on this blog. To this day he has never asked about it again. Maybe he found my blog after all and has been reading it all this time, who knows. So I just kind of lost interest in doing this, plus there is nothing that exciting going on in my life anyway. People, you haven't missed anything! But I am back with an update!
Let's gossip!! I have suspected Jose of cheating lately! I am almost convinced that he is....I have been with cheaters in the past and I recognize the behaviors. He works late almost every night and when I question him about things, he tends to be evasive (or at least not forthcoming). I have confronted him on a couple of ocassions and told him I thought he was cheating. He swears that he isn't and that he really is just working late (and that may be the truth, as I don't think he is the type to cheat). We've been together almost 7 years.....I know him pretty well. So why don't I believe him! I can't shake this feeling that he is cheating! It's not like he's drop-dead gorgeous or anything and he doesn't have a good body. Physically, he's not something that men are going to be beating down the door to get at (only Barbara does that). But his M.O. is suspect. When he says he's going to go visit Barbara and Laura and work late, something just doesn't seem right. Plus he's been acting guilty and letting me get away with WAY more drinking than he ever did in the past (to me that's a sign of guilt). I have no proof and I don't plan to go follow him (I won't stoop to that). But I have serious trust issues with him at the moment and if I find out that he IS cheating, we are finished. I have given him several opportunities to come clean, but for him to continue lying to me, I cannot forgive. I can never trust a liar. As it is I feel like he is cheating on me with Barbara and Laura.....and I don't know how much longer I can put up with that situation. I have had some very ugly thoughts of late where Barbara is concerned. I hope I don't end up in hell because of them.
Here's a story for you to shed some light on my hatred of Barbara: We all went to Jose's nephew's wedding in Nogales, AZ. It was a Catholic ceremony and all in Spanish (Jose is Mexican and I am white). Towards the end of the ceremony or Mass, the priest tells you to turn to your neighbor and those around and wish them peace and shake hands. I was next to Jose and Barbara was on the other side of him (not far away). I put out my hand to her (like the good Christian person I am) and she completely dissed me! She would not shake my hand! She shook everyone else's hand around her, but refused to shake mine. I held out my hand for at least 30 seconds and she blew me off. God forgive me, but I sat in that church and wished some evil things on her! I won't tell you what evil things I wished (they are too wicked to repeat), but use your imagination! Just another example of how I try to put my bitterness aside and be nice to her and she acts like a fucking bitch to me. She can go to hell for all I care (sorry Jose). Why must I bear this Barbara cross?! I finally find someone to be in a long-term relationship with and it comes with this shitty baggage!
Jose was in Las Vegas earlier this week for a seminar. It gave me some time alone to contemplate my life and my relationship and it's effects on me. I've realized I might need to make some bold choices in the coming year. 7 years may be as far as Jose and I go without some drastic changes in our relationship. It's gotten to the point where if Jose isn't at work, then he's with Barbara or in his bedroom watching TV. We hardly even interact anymore. We don't do anything as a couple, except for the ocassional shopping trip. It is like we are just roommates, only we sleep in the same bed. I am as much to blame as he is for the state of our relationship (my anger and resentment towards him keeps me from attempting to make things better). But I've realized in the past few days that major changes need to take place. I will wait until after the holidays and possibly until after the cruise, but at that time it will be do or die. We will either fix this relationship back to it's original state (is that even possible?) or I will move out. I will not come second or third to Barbara and Laura anymore. If he doesn't make me a priority again, then we are finished. We need to start connecting on an emotional/physical level and we haven't done that in several years. I know it's possible to do that (we did it a few months ago when we were going to break up). But since that night, we have not connected again! I think Jose is more cut out to be a straight man instead of a gay man. He is not a good gay man. He wants to be a family man with a wife and kids. He might as well go marry Barbara and adopt her child because in the meantime, I'm just turning into a damn drunk. That's my way of coping with this shit instead of dealing with these issue head-on. I deserve to be with someone who puts me first and not some woman and her kid. I think Jose will look back one day and really regret the choices he's made about where he put his priorities. Barbara may not be around one day and I might not either.....then where will he put his priorities? A life full of regrets is not a life fulfilled (I should take my own advice!). I know one thing.....I will not waste any more years of my life in a dead-end situation and from where I sit now, this looks like a dead-end.
posted by Steven at 8:35:00 AM
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