NUMB

I warned y' all I might not be back for awhile.......and it panned out. What can I say? This is not really a good time in my life right now. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel excited about life in the slightest, which is not like me at all. I think I am lacking joy and hope, everything that Christmas represents. Must be why I have no Christmas spirit.....zilch, nada. At this point, it could come and go without me noticing and I would be fine with it. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I am bummed that I am not feeling it this year. Maybe as the day gets nearer......I cannot motivate myself to go Christmas shopping or put up any decorations. I hear the Christmas music on the radio and I am numb to the feeling of it. NUMB! That is a good word to describe my condition right now. Funny thing is I am not really unhappy......I am just existing in a bland state. The only time I do feel any happiness is when I play my stereo and drink margaritas......and I am alone. I don't even want to socialize at all. I just want to be left alone. I don't exercise anymore and I have gained 15 pounds, at least. I think I must be depressed. And the cruise is looming, just a few months ahead, I must lose the weight by then. Jose is no help.....I feel helpless.

At least my truck is running good. I was having trouble starting it and the mechanic claimed there was nothing wrong with it, except the battery. It was causing me anxiety everytime I would start my truck, praying the motor would turnover and get me to work. Turns out the connections to the battery were not as tight as they could be (I think I bought a new battery for nothing). I hate shit like that, wasting money for no reason.

I am off from work every Wednesday now......I started doing 10 hour shifts. I LIVE for Wednesdays. I get to be alone the whole day, doing whatever I want. More and more I think I need to move out and go live by myself. It seems to be what I crave, being alone. Jose doesn't make me happy anymore. He only cares about Barbara and Laura. He only pretends to care about me. He pays lip service to it, but actions speak louder than words. After the cruise, I have some heavy-duty decisions to make. We've already made a comittment to this cruise.....I feel obligated to go through with it. Something major needs to happen between now and then, but I know nothing will. I am on the Titanic and it is slowing sinking.....................I will float and paddle into shore and get onto dry land. I will......I know I will.......I may write more tomorrow, as there is more I want to cover, but it is late and I'm tired. Sweet dreams.