Summer Begins.......
Six months have vanished since my last post......where did the time go? I used to be such a faithful writer, but then I got worried that Jose was reading this blog. And that he would use it against me somehow.....plus I couldn't be honest in my thoughts if I thought he was reading it. So why bother writing......I don't know if he was reading it (I'm now thinking he wasn't). He has never said anything about it and I said some pretty serious and harsh words. I've now decided that it doesn't matter anymore......this is a record for me and my life. I enjoyed reading my last post in December '06 and seeing that I thought I was depressed then. Jose has been saying the same thing of me a lot lately.
As you have probably figured out by now, Jose and I are still together. We made it through the cruise intact and even had a pretty good time. No sex though.....I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been months. Neither of us are interested in having sex with the other and it's been like that for some time. That part of our life together is DEAD! He doesn't seem to care, so why should I? I think the other night we just agreed to have an open relationship and no limits were put on what we could do. I'm still not sure if he was serious, but I think he was. My friends have said it's a bad idea and when we were in counseling a few years back, the counseler told us it was a bad idea also. So then what.....we will never have sex again until the day we die? I'm not sure I even want to go have sex with anyone else right now, but it's nice to know that if the situation should ever present itself, I don't necessarily have to say no. I already suspect that Jose has been unfaithful in the past and truthfully, I don't even care if he has. I'm not giving him sex, so he may as well get it somewhere else. Part of me thinks that this is just one more step towards the end of the line with us, but I know of other long-term couples who do the same thing (open relationship) and it seems to work for them. So I'm willing to give it a try......
As for my truck issue, I had thought it was solved in my last post. Well, it was not! I started having the same problem again right after I posted that. It wouldn't start. Nobody could figure out what was wrong with it. I did my own sleuthing on the internet and all signs pointed to a bad starter. But the original garage that worked on my truck said the starter was fine and even gave me a print-out showing it was working. I took it to Toyota and they kept it for a week or more and it started like a dream for them everytime. Fucking autos always behave properly when you go to the mechanic!! They honestly thought I was crazy! And then, FINALLY, it didn't start for them one day. It was the fucking starter, just like I said!! Between that and all the general maintenance it needed, I sunk a thousand dollars into it, but it was money well spent. But prior to all of this, I ended up buying a new car! Jose has been on me for years to buy a new car (my truck is a '93, but in excellent shape), so I took this opportunity to do so. Partly because I didn't know how I was going to get my truck fixed and I needed to get to work everyday and partly because of his pressure. I had intended to get a new car at some point this year anyway.....my truck issue just forced me to do it a little earlier. So a few days after last Christmas, I went out and bought a 2007 Toyota RAV4. I had never intended on getting an SUV, but it was highly rated and I liked the look of it. I test drove it and it was a smooth ride and the V6 is extremely fast (a big selling point for me). I didn't get all the features I wanted.....that would have meant having it built and waiting for possibly a few months to get it. I needed it right away and so I saved a few thousand by getting the base model (I didn't need all that extra crap anyway). It would have made the car too expensive for me to buy anyway. I do wish I had the upgraded stereo.....the stock one is pretty pathetic in sound quality. I mean, it's alright, but........I decided to keep my truck, so I have two vehicles now. There's no way I could part with it......it's not worth much money and yet it's in excellent shape. My practical side told me to sell the RAV4.....I don't really need it now, but it's so much fun to drive and Jose would kill me if I sold it.
Well, I can't promise that I will now start posting on a regular basis. This may be the only update for six more months. In the prior six months I had often thought about posting, but that's as far as it got. Plus there is not a lot going on in my life......I get up, go to work, come home, sit in front of the TV, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day. That is my life right now. Wednesdays I still crank the stereo and drink margaritas and I look forward to that day more than any other (today is Wednesday!!). Weekend after next, Jose is taking Barbara and her family to Rocky Point. I'm looking forward to the time alone, but then it seems everytime this happens, I end up missing him and being miserable all weekend. That weekend is Gay West (the first one in a few years). Friends at work want me to go with them, but I don't know if I want to. Not because Jose won't be going......I just really don't socialize these days. I go to the ocassional lunch with friends just to maintain the relationships, but other than that I don't go out at all. I'm not a big go-out person. I really am more of a homebody than I ever thought. I used to love going out......a lot......I guess I've changed. I think if I were single, I would want to go out more. Maybe it's my depression :-0
Am I depressed? Jose is convinced that I am. He should know. After all, he takes medication for the problem. I think if I am depressed, it's because of our relationship and lack of intimacy. And I don't just mean sex.....we have no emotional intimacy either. We are basically roommates that share a bed. We don't even spend time together or do any activities. We used to at least go to the movies every weekend, but we don't do that anymore. I don't know how our relationship got to this point and I don't know how to fix it either. We've already done the counseling routine. I'm not interested in going back there. It didn't help us the first time. I guess I've just decided that it's not fixable, so why bother putting out the effort. Because it does take a lot of effort, more effort than I can muster, frankly. Yet Jose doesn't seem interested in breaking up. Quite the contrary! Go figure.......
As you have probably figured out by now, Jose and I are still together. We made it through the cruise intact and even had a pretty good time. No sex though.....I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been months. Neither of us are interested in having sex with the other and it's been like that for some time. That part of our life together is DEAD! He doesn't seem to care, so why should I? I think the other night we just agreed to have an open relationship and no limits were put on what we could do. I'm still not sure if he was serious, but I think he was. My friends have said it's a bad idea and when we were in counseling a few years back, the counseler told us it was a bad idea also. So then what.....we will never have sex again until the day we die? I'm not sure I even want to go have sex with anyone else right now, but it's nice to know that if the situation should ever present itself, I don't necessarily have to say no. I already suspect that Jose has been unfaithful in the past and truthfully, I don't even care if he has. I'm not giving him sex, so he may as well get it somewhere else. Part of me thinks that this is just one more step towards the end of the line with us, but I know of other long-term couples who do the same thing (open relationship) and it seems to work for them. So I'm willing to give it a try......
As for my truck issue, I had thought it was solved in my last post. Well, it was not! I started having the same problem again right after I posted that. It wouldn't start. Nobody could figure out what was wrong with it. I did my own sleuthing on the internet and all signs pointed to a bad starter. But the original garage that worked on my truck said the starter was fine and even gave me a print-out showing it was working. I took it to Toyota and they kept it for a week or more and it started like a dream for them everytime. Fucking autos always behave properly when you go to the mechanic!! They honestly thought I was crazy! And then, FINALLY, it didn't start for them one day. It was the fucking starter, just like I said!! Between that and all the general maintenance it needed, I sunk a thousand dollars into it, but it was money well spent. But prior to all of this, I ended up buying a new car! Jose has been on me for years to buy a new car (my truck is a '93, but in excellent shape), so I took this opportunity to do so. Partly because I didn't know how I was going to get my truck fixed and I needed to get to work everyday and partly because of his pressure. I had intended to get a new car at some point this year anyway.....my truck issue just forced me to do it a little earlier. So a few days after last Christmas, I went out and bought a 2007 Toyota RAV4. I had never intended on getting an SUV, but it was highly rated and I liked the look of it. I test drove it and it was a smooth ride and the V6 is extremely fast (a big selling point for me). I didn't get all the features I wanted.....that would have meant having it built and waiting for possibly a few months to get it. I needed it right away and so I saved a few thousand by getting the base model (I didn't need all that extra crap anyway). It would have made the car too expensive for me to buy anyway. I do wish I had the upgraded stereo.....the stock one is pretty pathetic in sound quality. I mean, it's alright, but........I decided to keep my truck, so I have two vehicles now. There's no way I could part with it......it's not worth much money and yet it's in excellent shape. My practical side told me to sell the RAV4.....I don't really need it now, but it's so much fun to drive and Jose would kill me if I sold it.
Well, I can't promise that I will now start posting on a regular basis. This may be the only update for six more months. In the prior six months I had often thought about posting, but that's as far as it got. Plus there is not a lot going on in my life......I get up, go to work, come home, sit in front of the TV, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day. That is my life right now. Wednesdays I still crank the stereo and drink margaritas and I look forward to that day more than any other (today is Wednesday!!). Weekend after next, Jose is taking Barbara and her family to Rocky Point. I'm looking forward to the time alone, but then it seems everytime this happens, I end up missing him and being miserable all weekend. That weekend is Gay West (the first one in a few years). Friends at work want me to go with them, but I don't know if I want to. Not because Jose won't be going......I just really don't socialize these days. I go to the ocassional lunch with friends just to maintain the relationships, but other than that I don't go out at all. I'm not a big go-out person. I really am more of a homebody than I ever thought. I used to love going out......a lot......I guess I've changed. I think if I were single, I would want to go out more. Maybe it's my depression :-0
Am I depressed? Jose is convinced that I am. He should know. After all, he takes medication for the problem. I think if I am depressed, it's because of our relationship and lack of intimacy. And I don't just mean sex.....we have no emotional intimacy either. We are basically roommates that share a bed. We don't even spend time together or do any activities. We used to at least go to the movies every weekend, but we don't do that anymore. I don't know how our relationship got to this point and I don't know how to fix it either. We've already done the counseling routine. I'm not interested in going back there. It didn't help us the first time. I guess I've just decided that it's not fixable, so why bother putting out the effort. Because it does take a lot of effort, more effort than I can muster, frankly. Yet Jose doesn't seem interested in breaking up. Quite the contrary! Go figure.......
posted by Steven at 9:05:00 AM
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