Chapter 2
Sorry it's taken so long for Chapter 2......what can I say except "Here it is!".
The "telling" moment occurred in early October '08 at Eva's birthday/costume/Halloween party. Eva is Jose's niece, whom I was very fond of and still am. Jose had a few weeks earlier surprised me with the news that Barbara and the kids would be going with us to the party. Soon as I heard that, I was no longer interested in going, but of course I had no choice but to go. It was Eva birthday and she would be hurt if I didn't go and Jose would be mad at me as well. So I went......and had a mostly miserable time. I wore a Batman costume, which was extremely hot, sweaty, and I was uncomfortable the whole night. On top of that, Jose and Barbara both ignored me the whole night, as if I wasn't sitting right there with them! Jose was also busy playing "daddy" to the kids and I simply couldn't wait for this night to end. It was TORTURE! As the evening wore on, I swore to myself that I would NEVER put myself through this agony ever again. Barbara could have him! She had finally won! I was done with it all.
It was that night that I decided my relationship with Jose was over. I was still scared about how I was going to survive without him and I continued to mull things over for a couple more weeks. But I realized that I was completely unhappy and miserable in this relationship and I needed to change my life and be happy again, even if it meant being alone.
It happened on October 23, 2008, a Thursday night. Jose and I had gotten home from work at the same time, an extremely rare occurrence. Jose always worked late, in my opinion as a way to avoid coming home and being with me. We had been very uncommunicative since the party, especially during the current week. He informed me that we were going to Eva's house for dinner. I really didn't feel up to socializing that night, but Eva's house was 2 minutes walking distance away and I loved seeing and playing with her kids. I don't know what took hold of me in that moment, but I stood in the bedroom, looking at Jose lying on the bed watching tv. I stared at him for a full 5 minutes, just staring. In that time, he never once looked at me. It was like I was invisible. Something inside of me said DO IT NOW. So I did......I said "Do you want to breakup?" He just looked at me and said "You really want to do this now?"
So for the next 20 minutes I told him how we had agreed to work on our relationship that past summer and that he hadn't done shit to work on it. He accused me of the same thing and I told him that I didn't see any point in continuing on this way. All that he cared about was Barbara and the kids and he didn't give a shit about me anymore. He stated that it wasn't true and that he could say the same about me. Whatever......I was done for real this time. No more "let's give it another try" or "we'll work on things". Fuck that! I was done "working" on this dead relationship. I wasn't going to waste anymore of my life on this man who made a "promise" to me and was not living up to it.
We walked over to Eva's house in silence and put on our happy faces. We didn't tell anyone what had just happened and pretended that everything was normal. When we got back home, he asked me if I still felt the same way. I said that I did and unfortunately, I did not see any way around it this time. We both slowly came to the realization that it was really over this time and there was no going back. There was no crying.....no hostile feelings.....just the slow realization that it was for real this time. I felt a sense of peace and a sense of calmness come over me. Before, I had felt terror at the thought of being alone. No more.....I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of me. I was a free man again. The shackles had been unlocked and the chains binding me to Jose had been severed. I sat in the living room alone, realizing that I was a single man again. AND I WAS HAPPY ABOUT IT. I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I'd done it before I'd met him and I could do it again. I didn't need Jose to take care of me. I could take care of myself......somehow, I would do it. I could do it!!
Chapter 3 to follow............
The "telling" moment occurred in early October '08 at Eva's birthday/costume/Halloween party. Eva is Jose's niece, whom I was very fond of and still am. Jose had a few weeks earlier surprised me with the news that Barbara and the kids would be going with us to the party. Soon as I heard that, I was no longer interested in going, but of course I had no choice but to go. It was Eva birthday and she would be hurt if I didn't go and Jose would be mad at me as well. So I went......and had a mostly miserable time. I wore a Batman costume, which was extremely hot, sweaty, and I was uncomfortable the whole night. On top of that, Jose and Barbara both ignored me the whole night, as if I wasn't sitting right there with them! Jose was also busy playing "daddy" to the kids and I simply couldn't wait for this night to end. It was TORTURE! As the evening wore on, I swore to myself that I would NEVER put myself through this agony ever again. Barbara could have him! She had finally won! I was done with it all.
It was that night that I decided my relationship with Jose was over. I was still scared about how I was going to survive without him and I continued to mull things over for a couple more weeks. But I realized that I was completely unhappy and miserable in this relationship and I needed to change my life and be happy again, even if it meant being alone.
It happened on October 23, 2008, a Thursday night. Jose and I had gotten home from work at the same time, an extremely rare occurrence. Jose always worked late, in my opinion as a way to avoid coming home and being with me. We had been very uncommunicative since the party, especially during the current week. He informed me that we were going to Eva's house for dinner. I really didn't feel up to socializing that night, but Eva's house was 2 minutes walking distance away and I loved seeing and playing with her kids. I don't know what took hold of me in that moment, but I stood in the bedroom, looking at Jose lying on the bed watching tv. I stared at him for a full 5 minutes, just staring. In that time, he never once looked at me. It was like I was invisible. Something inside of me said DO IT NOW. So I did......I said "Do you want to breakup?" He just looked at me and said "You really want to do this now?"
So for the next 20 minutes I told him how we had agreed to work on our relationship that past summer and that he hadn't done shit to work on it. He accused me of the same thing and I told him that I didn't see any point in continuing on this way. All that he cared about was Barbara and the kids and he didn't give a shit about me anymore. He stated that it wasn't true and that he could say the same about me. Whatever......I was done for real this time. No more "let's give it another try" or "we'll work on things". Fuck that! I was done "working" on this dead relationship. I wasn't going to waste anymore of my life on this man who made a "promise" to me and was not living up to it.
We walked over to Eva's house in silence and put on our happy faces. We didn't tell anyone what had just happened and pretended that everything was normal. When we got back home, he asked me if I still felt the same way. I said that I did and unfortunately, I did not see any way around it this time. We both slowly came to the realization that it was really over this time and there was no going back. There was no crying.....no hostile feelings.....just the slow realization that it was for real this time. I felt a sense of peace and a sense of calmness come over me. Before, I had felt terror at the thought of being alone. No more.....I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of me. I was a free man again. The shackles had been unlocked and the chains binding me to Jose had been severed. I sat in the living room alone, realizing that I was a single man again. AND I WAS HAPPY ABOUT IT. I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I'd done it before I'd met him and I could do it again. I didn't need Jose to take care of me. I could take care of myself......somehow, I would do it. I could do it!!
Chapter 3 to follow............
posted by Steven at 12:47:00 PM
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